The confusing world of having social anxiety and bipolar.

     Having both social anxiety and bipolar is a confusing thing.  As I mentioned before when the highs hit I have a sense of confidence, but I still suffer from anxiety.  It is like looking at a picture that is placed upside down while standing on my head.  There is disorientation because the image is right, but the background is upside down.  On top of this, there is that dizziness from the blood rushing to my brain.  I take charge in conversation and share my knowledge on a topic.  Then in a moment of “clarity” I notice what I’m doing and apologize for it.

     Also of note is that during my “normal” phase I possess anxiety and have negative thoughts about myself which leads to depression.  The mania will eventually lead to a crash and the anxiety will likely lead to a slow slide into depressive states.  So it seems as though no matter what I do, I will go into a depressive state.

     As I slide into depression it is hard to tell at what point my self-esteem and discomfort is caused by my social anxiety issues or a true depressive issue.  As I struggle with this I blame myself for having SA (Social anxiety), and develop even more loathing for myself.  Then, as I eventually begin to swing upwards again I start to believe I am making progress on my SA.

     The more people begin to praise me on the progress I’ve made, which makes me uncomfortable and begins the erosion of that confidence I was building due to mania.  So I am left with this ultra confusing mass.  Are my mood swings caused by SA and I only need to work on the depressive issues and my hypomanic state is my baseline?  Is my SA caused by mood swings and I don’t really have SA just bipolar and my anxiety is really just depression?

     Then I remember how deeply my anxiety truly impacts my life and I am reminded (when I am at a “normal” point in my life) that I, in fact, do have both.  This news is not as bad as it could be, I suppose.  I’m not on any medications for my SA, nor do I normally wish to be.  Therefore the only thing that can help me is my own work and therapy.  Luckily many of the things associated with SA, such as low self worth and discomfort around people, are also signs of depression and can be tempered with proper medication.

     I feel as though I need to learn to, well, learn from my hypomania and become comfortable with my confidence and not feel the need to apologize.  And that is where the work and therapy comes in.  In the meantime, the two are not the chocolate and peanut butter of the mental illness world.

--JJM