I am told that I
am the life of the party when I give myself the chance. A large part of
me wishes to attribute this to hypo-mania caused by my bipolar disorder.
While it is true that within a small circle of trusted people I can be quite
outgoing and vocal I am not without severe anxiety about it. Why do I
have to be nervous if these people are in my trusted circle? I worry that
I talk too much, I worry that they think I think I'm smarter than they are, I
worry they don't care about what I have to say. On top of that, I worry
if what I'm saying is wrong, either factually or contextually. I
worry that they are going to ask me something personal.
On that note, I don't feel as though my life is important enough for other people to actually care about. I feel uncomfortable when people take an interest in my life, my words, or anything that I do. Compliments are the ultimate crippling Mortal Kombat "fatality." I feel undeserving of praise and do not understand why people praise either me or my actions. All of these feelings are experienced when interacting with close friends; please try to understand their intensification when these social situations involve complete (or relative) strangers.
I don't understand such things as flirting, or small talk. I have no idea what purpose they serve, how to conduct them, or respond when people use them (most noticeably small talk) on me. I don't care about the weather, or how some sports team is doing. I don't care about what most people say. Though I pay attention and listen as though my life depended on it I find myself going into my own world just a few moments after a conversation starts--unless of course it holds my interests. I know that these things aren't fair to the person speaking to me, and I wonder if they feel the same way about what I say.
So how do I function in the world? I fake it. I make an effort to remember what everyone says and take the offensive and don't give them a chance to ask me questions. I use puns, oh how I use the puns. While it is true you can't have your level of anxiety be at a constant high all the time, certainly my baseline is quite high. The irony is, the more social I seem, the more high strung I actually am. Interestingly enough the larger the group the less anxious I appear to become. I tutor individually and it drives me up the walls, but when I do larger group sessions I find my anxiety lessening.
Of course, no one can be surrounded by a large group of people to talk to all the time and it would be arrogant to even want that. All I want is to feel as though I belong, that I spend less time worrying about all the details of social interaction and just interact. For me, this seems next to impossible. I want to talk about determinism, free will, the nature of reality; I want to not have to watch which words to say.
I was told that I would be missed once I moved to Toronto, I don't believe them. I don't understand why they would miss me. Surely they can get the same interaction from someone else, why me? Why am I considered so special?
I am told to have more confidence in myself, that there is a distinct difference between how I see myself and how the world sees me. That people want a confident person, but I think any person gets uncomfortable at any point in a social situation. Some people get uncomfortable speaking in public, others at a party, the important thing like anything is to put yourself out there and be uncomfortable. It passes. I am reminded of the Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear (From Dune): "I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
Easier said than done but I have been told the benefits from not being timid and fearful are worth it.
--JJM
On that note, I don't feel as though my life is important enough for other people to actually care about. I feel uncomfortable when people take an interest in my life, my words, or anything that I do. Compliments are the ultimate crippling Mortal Kombat "fatality." I feel undeserving of praise and do not understand why people praise either me or my actions. All of these feelings are experienced when interacting with close friends; please try to understand their intensification when these social situations involve complete (or relative) strangers.
I don't understand such things as flirting, or small talk. I have no idea what purpose they serve, how to conduct them, or respond when people use them (most noticeably small talk) on me. I don't care about the weather, or how some sports team is doing. I don't care about what most people say. Though I pay attention and listen as though my life depended on it I find myself going into my own world just a few moments after a conversation starts--unless of course it holds my interests. I know that these things aren't fair to the person speaking to me, and I wonder if they feel the same way about what I say.
So how do I function in the world? I fake it. I make an effort to remember what everyone says and take the offensive and don't give them a chance to ask me questions. I use puns, oh how I use the puns. While it is true you can't have your level of anxiety be at a constant high all the time, certainly my baseline is quite high. The irony is, the more social I seem, the more high strung I actually am. Interestingly enough the larger the group the less anxious I appear to become. I tutor individually and it drives me up the walls, but when I do larger group sessions I find my anxiety lessening.
Of course, no one can be surrounded by a large group of people to talk to all the time and it would be arrogant to even want that. All I want is to feel as though I belong, that I spend less time worrying about all the details of social interaction and just interact. For me, this seems next to impossible. I want to talk about determinism, free will, the nature of reality; I want to not have to watch which words to say.
I was told that I would be missed once I moved to Toronto, I don't believe them. I don't understand why they would miss me. Surely they can get the same interaction from someone else, why me? Why am I considered so special?
I am told to have more confidence in myself, that there is a distinct difference between how I see myself and how the world sees me. That people want a confident person, but I think any person gets uncomfortable at any point in a social situation. Some people get uncomfortable speaking in public, others at a party, the important thing like anything is to put yourself out there and be uncomfortable. It passes. I am reminded of the Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear (From Dune): "I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
Easier said than done but I have been told the benefits from not being timid and fearful are worth it.
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