My observations of being bipolar II

     The hypomania is absolutely wonderful at times.  I get a jolt of confidence, a burst of energy, sometimes even (if I’m lucky) a wellspring of creativity.  Sure the staying up for days plays with your body and mind, but I get so much done.  It is a feeling that I never want to end.  I find that it doesn’t seem like it is going to end.

     I am able to, and more willing, to speak on topics with a sense of authority.  The ideas come quickly, clearly, and usually I am able to grasp all but the most elusive.  I’m far friendlier, I’m joking, and I’m everything I want to be.

     So what, then, is the problem?  Something happens.  Someone says something, I do something I regret and realize I’ve done it, or I see something or hear something that causes me to crash.  And the crash is hard.

     I feel the familiar stings of depression and want nothing more than for things to go back to normal.  Each day feels like an eternity.  And it is different from a long lasting depressive state.  With those, it’s hard to remember a time when I was happy.  With a major mood swing it is this harsh reminder that just yesterday I was on top of the world putting my depressive mood into this weird sense of surrealism.

      And then it sets in, that hopelessness that you will never feel better again.  Eventually I stabilize and get back to “normal,” but there is this part of me that secretly wishes the hypomania would come back.  I know it isn’t good for me, but it was so much fun while it lasted.  I know, however, it won’t last and I will only be left feeling hurt by the whole cycle.

     I have a hard time telling when I’m in a hypomanic state, I can very much tell when I crash though.  This leads me to a retrospective knowledge of my mistakes.  This leads to me beating myself up for those things and deepening the depressive state. 

      As I slip into depressive states I find increased nervousness, inability to focus, indecisiveness, moodiness, and sensitivity.

     My psychiatrist has said “bipolar is an ugly disease, it is not a bad disease, but it sure is ugly.”  I finally feel that I am able to understand those words.  The medication helps to reduce the severity and frequency of occurrences, and the therapy helps me to identify triggers and understand how I feel at certain times.  I just wish that I had the level of understanding of self that I thought I had. 

--JJM