"You don't seem bi polar."

Not so long ago these words were said to me.

I felt like asking "What does a person with bi polar disorder seem like?"  I, however, didn't.  I'm not even sure what was meant by the comment.  I pondered what it could have meant.  Maybe missing more days where I volunteer, maybe doing "obviously crazy" things.  So, I am going to talk about who I am as a person to demonstrate what it actually means to be bi polar.

I just recently attained my permanent residency in Canada, so I've begun looking for full time work.  This is a long and difficult process as I am attempting to maneuver a career change.  Career change from what?  Well, being as I had gotten sick in University and felt that I was unable to get the support I needed and so flunked out of my courses, when I returned home (eventually) after a manic phase, to a very small town I was presented with very few employment options.  As such I took employment where I could: a Wal-Mart.  I worked there for a while before having another manic phase taking me to another state where I began to work, again, in retail.  This became who I was professionally and so I was left with feeling as though I could do nothing else.  I moved to yet another small town where the only place to really work was either Wal-Mart or a grocery store.  I decided to change things up and worked for the grocer.

So, where does this tie in with what my career change is?  As you could have guessed, I am trying desperately to get out of the retail business.  My interview is actually with an inbound call centre for a larger telecommunications company.  Not ideal, but I stand a good chance (I feel) of getting this work full time work.

Also of note on this front is since volunteering here at an alternative high school I've developed strong connections with people and have networked extensively allowing many additional opportunities to develop such as working in the day camps, or other positions.  Which is towards my ultimate career goal.

I play video games, board games, and pen and paper role-playing games in my spare time.  I usually try to take as many people as I can along for those rides, because they are more fun in groups.  Which seems opposite of my social anxiety, but that is a story for another time.  I have been learning HTML, CSS, and JavaScript in my spare time.  I'm doing this because of a program I found a while ago that allows the user to use the before mentioned languages, as well as it's own markup language, to write choose your own adventure stories/games.

I am happily married, and have been married longer than I've been seeking treatment.  More importantly than that is the fact that I have a great support system here that includes feeling as though I am making a difference in the world, friends and family here, as well as hobbies to keep me busy.  I try not to miss days, though I was incredibly sick with the flu for a few days last year and had to miss.  I have been told that I am "doing better than expected," whatever that is supposed to mean.

That's not to say my life is normal, I don't/can't drink nearly as much as I used to because of my medications.  I have to make sure my schedule is followed, my pills are taken, and other things to ensure my continued success.  I'm not perfect on any of those fronts, I've been known to stay up too late, miss days of medications, and the like.  I am better than I used to be for sure.  But no, I do not "seem" bi polar.  Because I am more than that, I am a complete individual with unique interests, goals, and abilities, just like everyone else.

I just happen to have an illness that sometimes causes issues in my life.  The point I think I am trying to make here is, we (people with mental health issues), are more than stereotypes and bit roles.  We aren't crazy (in the way people assume we are), we aren't ax murderers, or drooling messes.  By and large we are normal, everyday people, and the person you work with may have a serious mental illness such as schizophrenia, or bi polar, and you'd never know.  The more we we break the stigma, the more we openly talk about these things, the better as a whole our world will become.

So, what does it mean for you to be you?  How do you define yourself?  Any thoughts, I'd love to hear from you out there!  Until next time.
--JJM

The importance of routine.

     Every weekday morning I wake around 7:15 AM, take my medication, and get ready for the day.  After returning for the day I wash the dishes and start dinner.  After eating I sit and attempt to write for at least an hour.  After writing I have about an hour’s free time before taking care of the cats and getting ready for bed.  I am usually in bed between 10:00 and 10:30 PM, and fall asleep around 11:00.

     Weekends are a bit more lax, in the waking time, but I still go to bed at about the same time.

     It is important to have a routine, especially with bipolar.  Routine keeps me stable; at least it helps.  I know I get very upset when my long time routine is disrupted; specifically when I am informed of plans at the “last minute.”  I need at least a week, preferably two, to process the plan and become okay with it.  This is partially due to a disruption in my schedule needing to be taken into account and worked around, but another large factor is the anxiety associated with change.

     Routine makes it harder to forget things like showering or taking medication.  Also, and perhaps most importantly, sleep routine regulates my mood.  If I stay awake all night (something I haven’t done in over a year) I almost certainly swing into a manic state.  Going hand in hand with this, I limit my caffeine intake to about two cups of coffee a day, in the morning, and no more throughout the day.  This gives me the little pick-me-up I seem to need in the morning without keeping me up at night.

     My wife helps me stay on track with my daily and weekly routines, making sure I do what is needed.  She also asks why I didn’t stick to my regimen.  Adhering to a strict schedule can be difficult at times, but I know it is what is needed to keep me well, and that is very important to me.

     What types of routine do you have?  How does it impact your life?

--JJM

Reflections on being bipolar (Part II, depression).

     This is a continued discussion on bipolar and my experiences with it.  This time I take a look at the opposite and discuss my depressive episodes.

     While my manic/hypomanic episodes generally last only a few weeks my depressive moods may last for significantly longer.  Though there were extenuating circumstances, the longest I can remember was nearly six months.  I get withdrawn and lethargic, sleeping the day away.  Sometimes it even gets to the point where I can’t even bring myself to get out of bed or shower, or do any of the things that need to be done around the house.  Even watching television is too much work.

     Though they do indeed last longer than my other swing it genuinely feels as though it is never going to end and I will feel that way forever.  I lose interest in things I enjoy and get very introspective.  This, coupled with my social anxiety disorder, makes it very hard for me to actually force myself to get out of the house.  I constantly worry that someone I know will see me and ask me how I’m doing and I will have to lie to them.  I also worry that someone would knock at the door and I would be forced to answer it.

     Due to my social anxiety, I have a hard time saying “no,” “no thanks,” or anything else, when trying to “get rid of” people who want something.  This means I have to listen to their entire speech and pretend to be interested, when the last thing I care about is what they are peddling.

     I isolate when I am depressed, as is very common, and this leads to even more depressive thoughts and feelings.  Again, as stated before I have a hard time even realizing that I am behaving any differently than “normal” and have a very hard time identifying what “normal” even is for me.

     Sometimes the depressive symptoms actually manifest as physical pain for me.  I ache all over, and have specific muscle pains as well as the increased tension in my neck and back that begins to become unbearable after a while.  I tend to focus internally and make things about “me.”  Innocent comments made have a sinister hidden meaning towards me.  My problems seem larger than others, I feel as though other people just don’t understand how “bad” my problems really are.

     Of course, I never actually voice those opinions, and keep them to myself allowing the problems to fester and boil until I have a sort of breakdown.  I also tend to get more emotional, crying at inappropriate times for inappropriate reasons, again, never letting that show.  I realize when I am doing well how poorly I was doing at the while depressed, but sometimes it is hard to see just how depressed I really am.

     For me, suicidal thoughts are an interesting notion as it pertains to depressive moods.  There is a point where the suicidal thoughts themselves are of little consequence, I simply don’t have the energy to be bothered to actually go through with the action itself.  It is when I am feeling somewhat better, but still very depressed, that I am a real danger to myself.  That is, I’m having the suicidal thoughts and I have the will to go through with it.  I have managed to fight through those moments fairly successfully.

     I still worry, from time to time, that I may step in front of heavy traffic or a subway train on nothing more than a whim.  This is frightening for both me, and those that love me.  I cannot even imagine what it must be like for them to worry about me in such a way.

     Again, I am not an expert in the field, nor am I attempting to say I am qualified to diagnose anyone with anything.  These are my experiences with the depressive side of bipolar and may differ from either yours or those of one you love.  If you are experiencing these symptoms and think you may be depressed, it is a serious matter and you should speak with your doctor about it as soon as possible.

     So, how do you cope with being depressed?  What are your experiences with depression?  Please share in the comments below.

--JJM

Reflections on being bipolar (Part I, mania).

     I know I’ve said it before, but I have bipolar disorder (type II).  Many, if not most, have a cursory understanding of what this means.  Bipolar is also known as being “manic depressive.”  Bipolar is characterized by often severe mood swings alternating between extreme highs and lows.  These highs, known as manic episodes, can be earmarked by being either extremely, and uncharacteristically, happy or even by irritability.  Conversely the lows, known as depressive episodes, can manifest as a long period of sadness, and a lack of interest in things that were once enjoyed.  Each person may exhibit different behavioural changes.  For mania my typical symptoms include racing thoughts, rapid speech, restlessness, taking on more new projects, and being impulsive.  My depressive symptoms include increased sleep, decreased appetite, irritability, problems concentrating, and thinking of death.

     I am going to focus on mania and hypomania today.  What is hypomania?  Basically, it is a less “severe” mania.  When I experience mania it usually manifests as hypomania.  At that time I feel as though there is nothing wrong with me and, usually, that I can go without my medication.  This makes it very hard for me to stay on my medication when I am hypomanic.  I get very creative, with ideas flowing quite freely and an increased desire to work on them.  Ultimately I leave a lot of projects unfinished which, when I “crash” into a depressive state, leads to feeling like a failure.  I can also get quite defensive and insisting that I’m fine, snapping at the people close to me for suggesting otherwise.  Most of my major break-ups in romantic relationships happened during manic episodes and were very shortly followed by large moves.  This goes to show my impulsiveness.  During this time my behaviour makes perfect sense to me and seems like the only course of action I could possibly take.

     I was, at one time, more prone to drug and alcohol use while experiencing an “up-swing.”  I must also admit to shoplifting more than once during previous manic episodes.  I felt as though I would never be caught.  Thankfully I never was, but the risk seemed quite trivial and as though it could never happen to me.  I engaged in a lot of high risk behaviour.  As time progressed I have gotten a handle on this type of thing and have generally been much better about keeping it in check with medication.

     As I said, I did not see any harm in what I was doing, and only those around me noticed just how much damage I was doing.  It took many years to fully understand that I needed help.  It was during a “mixed episode” (an episode of both manic and depressive symptoms manifesting at the same time) that my most serious event occurred (my suicide attempt in 2012).

     I still have hypomanic episodes, but they are much more manageable with the medications I am on.  My wife tells me she can tell when I’m not taking my medications because I tend to get manic first.  Every day is a struggle at times; between getting used to the idea of taking medications for the rest of my life, and trying to better understand where I am on the mood continuum.  That last one is especially hard; it is so rare for me to be able to accurately identify what I am feeling at any given moment.

     There are times when I wish I could remain in a hypomanic state; it seems so useful to me.  Unfortunately the mood never lasts and I am left very depressed.

     Keep in mind, I am not an expert in the field and these are merely my experiences with mania associated with bipolar and may be different from others’ experiences, nor am I qualified to diagnose anyone.  If you think you have some of the above symptoms, be sure to see a doctor and discuss with them.  I’d like to hear from others whose lives are in any way touched by bipolar disorder.  Was this helpful?  What are your experiences with bipolar?  Leave your responses in the comments below.

--JJM

After a year hiatus the blog is back online.

     It has been over a year.  There are some questions that I will address in length.

     Firstly, where did I go for that time?  During the early part of 2014 and much of 2013 my wife and I were separated by a great distance.  She was in Canada looking for work, I was left in our home to keep things going while our lease ran out and she was able to gather the funds for my relocation.  I did not cope with this well at all.  For much of the time I was un-medicated.  I had it in my head that I needed to stockpile my medication for when I moved.  This led to many manic and depressive episodes as well as all the other wonderful symptoms I’ve been known to exhibit.  I started this blog in a whirlwind of excitement born from a manic episode.  I wasn’t sleeping, too busy with everything else to be bothered with any of the day-to-day things.

     After the mania wore off I sunk into a deep depression landing me in the hospital for almost two weeks.  During that time I, of course, couldn’t be bothered with the blog.  Then there was another flurry of excitement as the move to Canada was happening in just a few weeks.  With the help of my in-laws the apartment was put back into a semblance of order (from the destruction I inflicted upon it in my un-medicated state), and packed just in time.  There was a huge sigh of relief.  After that it took time to get everything unpacked, connected, and working.

     In addition to the long process of getting medicated, recovering, and stabilizing, I spent a large portion of my time getting used to the city, having never lived in a city as large as Toronto.  I toyed with the idea of getting back to writing, but just couldn’t do it so soon after a major move.  Shortly thereafter I came into limited contact with someone from my past and I felt a sudden surge of anxiety.  Though I have said that I wanted a level of transparency with this blog, I couldn’t help but feel I couldn’t continue writing because of what this person may eventually find.

     Then, time passed.  I became comfortable not writing.  I started helping out at a local office doing some volunteer work for them and it became a full-time thing.  I didn’t have time to write.  I am still doing that work and have found the time to write, thus eliminating that excuse.  As to feeling unable to write because of what a certain person may find, if I am to actually practice what it is I say I stand for I must not allow that to hold me back.

     That is the “where.”  Why am I back?

     Though I enjoy the work I do at the office, I feel there is something lacking.  My wife says something that I have when I am writing.  I feel I can be a force for good.  It is my duty as a person living with mental health issues to do what I can to educate the world.  To let the world know that we are, in fact, people.  Though I do not pretend to be anything more than a single voice, it is a voice that can, and should, be heard.

     Why now?

     Though I’ve toyed with the idea of getting back into writing, and again getting involved with mental health support and advocacy on social networks, I haven’t for the past year, as I’ve said before.  It was just a few days ago that an old and dear college friend posted a little snippet of writing that struck a particular chord with me.  I don’t usually use trigger warnings because, to be honest, when you are reading the writings of someone with mental health issues almost everything is going to be a trigger.  That being said, the following passage is very intense.

“He draws the lines he's always seen on his skin with razor blades, watching the blood well up from the wounds and draw the patterns on his body. He feels the strength leave his body through the pattern and for once he feels clean. In a final moment everything explodes attempting to force him to live in that one moment he is like a flower, truly beautiful, and then there is nothing, then he is free.”

--Felix Velazquez

     As I said, this struck me deep.  When I was in college, I cut myself.  I broke a coffee mug and used the shards to cut away everything I hated in myself.  I also drank.  A lot.  Sometimes the two even overlapped.  Reading the above passage and recognizing that in myself, I realized that I still had something to give to others.  Even if it is merely letting them know they are not alone in their thoughts and feelings.

     So what now?

     I am writing again, this much I know for sure.  I cannot promise daily updates.  Also in a slight change of practice not every entry will be the sort of tirade that it was.  There will no doubt be a more personal angle to the blog than was present before.

     All of that being said, this time I am back for the long haul.  Expect more info on the Finding a Voice in a Maelstrom page and movement.

Thank you for reading.

--JJM