More thoughts on having social anxiety and how I deal with it.

     First I am going to be all self referential and direct your attention to a previous entry.

     What do I mean by this?  Perhaps the metaphor is not as clear as I would like it to be.  I am anxious most of the time about most things, but what shines for me the most is my awkwardness in social situations.  I assume what I describe is similar to what other people experience.  When I force myself to interact with people on a level they are comfortable with I find it taxing to say the least.  It is not a mere lack of confidence (though that plays a role) it is a lack of ability to participate fluidly.

     I discussed some more of these thoughts on a different entry.  But, what do I mean to say on the topic other than discuss my issues?  People need to understand social anxiety disorder.  It’s not mere nervousness or jitters that are commonly associated with specific interactions such as meeting people for the first time, or public speaking.   Imagine that all the time.  Imagine not understanding the dance people do when interacting, not understanding why people talk about the weather.  Then add the worry of hoping people don’t notice you’re faking it.

     But that is what we do, when we do communicate.  We fake it.  I find there is a hidden timer; it is set for each interaction and also for each person.  Sometimes we have spent enough time with someone to know how long their timer is set for, but often we don’t.  We know something bad is going to happen when the timer goes off, we’re going to say something inappropriate, we’re going to do something offensive, the whole situation is going to get out of hand, we’re going to pass out or throw up, or maybe worse.

     I have found a few things help me in dealing with it though.  If you, like me, get very uncomfortable when people ask you questions, turn around and don’t give them a chance to.  Ask them question after question.  It seems that most people love to talk, so let them do the talking for the both of you.  Even if you don’t particularly care about what they are saying, it makes for a great show.  Another thing that has helped me is paying attention to that ticking time bomb lurking about in your head.  For me, it is not a sudden high alert, but there is a slow mounting of issues that lead to the eventual detonation.   While I still have a handle on my own actions I work a way to excuse myself.

     I was dragged to a party.  Once my level of discomfort was reaching critical mass, I excused myself to the bathroom.  I didn’t actually have to go, but it gave me a few moments alone to calm down a bit before going back out.  When I went back the people that were talking to me and making me uncomfortable were talking to someone else, so I was able to go back to not interacting which further calmed me until once again I was forced to interact.  Rinse and repeat.

     Most importantly remember that of course you will be uncomfortable.  You know this about yourself, but most times for the majority of an interaction it isn’t going to go as bad as you think that it is.  Besides, you don’t know the other person’s story, they may be just as uncomfortable as you are, or more so!

     What else do I have to say to people who do not have social anxiety issues?  Don’t be offended or call out someone on being socially awkward.  We are already raw and sensitive as it is, we don’t need to be reminded that we aren’t doing it right, remind us of what we are doing correctly.  If we just walk away, don’t follow us.  If we abruptly change the subject, don’t change it back.  If we start to rant, listen but excuse yourself if you start to get bored.  I promise you, unless we know you, we won’t press the issue.  If you sense we are uncomfortable and want to be left alone, don’t try to force a conversation.  Unless that conversation starts off with, “Are you as nervous as I am?”

--JJM