Asking for, and receiving, help.

     Two very difficult things to do, for anyone, are to say no or ask for help.  For someone with social anxiety disorder I assume both are even harder.  I know they are for me.  I think there is a relationship between the two concepts that needs to be explored first.  If someone says no firmly they are confident and know what they are capable of handling at any given moment, and the same can be said for someone who asks for help.  Does this mean that if someone has problems with no they automatically have problems with asking for help?  You can be confident in knowing what you can handle but ashamed that you can’t handle more.  I think that would lend more to an ability to say no but not ask for help.  Likewise, someone who wishes to please everyone would have a hard time saying no, but generally an easier time with asking for help.

     

     So someone with social anxiety disorder would fall where?  I know for me, I want to please everyone but am afraid that I will be unable to do what is required of me and therefore tend not to take on more than is needed.  Rather than risk the grand show of failure I rather avoid participation at all.  Asking for help is a little more straightforward.

      

     First there is this sense of shame for needing to even ask for help in the first place.  There is also a sense of judgment that we fear for how we got into a position to need the help in the first place.   I know that I feel as though I am a bad person for perhaps not being good enough to succeed from the get go.  There are more self judgmental thoughts that race through the head, such as why would anyone want to help, that people have problems of their own they need to deal with and that their problems are greater than my own.  Put basically you don’t want to be a bother or drain on people.

      

     This is all on top of “normal” social anxiety stuff such as not even knowing how to broach the subject of asking for help.  As a classic example, I was in college and just recently out of the hospital for the first time.  A good friend of mine said to call any time day or night if I needed anything.  I was feeling especially raw one night and was thinking of cutting again.  I called up my friend who was too busy to talk.

    
     It took everything I had to convince myself to pick up the phone and call, I was shaking, pacing, going over what I would say and how he would react, my heart was racing, mouth dry, stomach churning.  All to be told that even after he said he would be there, he wasn’t.  This reinforced the depressive thoughts I was having anyway, but also led me to never want to ask another human for help again.  All of that worry, and in the end, I was right.  So why put myself through the worry again?

      

     Saying “Call me if you ever need anything” is such a common statement people make that it is meaningless and quite frankly unrealistic.  What should someone do instead, especially when dealing with someone prone to depression or anxiety?  Prove that you are there for them and willing to help.  Tell them, when you sense something is up, that you are coming over for tea.  When there, ask them how they are doing, if they need anything.  Be somewhat assertive with this; reiterate that you are there to help and what you are willing and capable of doing.  Set up another visit before leaving, if you are sincere about helping, realize that we may need help in getting help.  By and large we are too timid to stop you from helping once you start.

      

     Once we see your sincerity and see that you do actually want to help (and perhaps indeed you are capable of performing the help we need) we will be less afraid of you.  If you feel the need say “call me if you ever need anything” be a bit more specific.  “I’m around most days in the evening if you ever want to chat.”  “If you need a ride somewhere, give me a call ahead of time and I will see what I can work out for you.”     

     Once we have very clear rules for what and when we can ask it makes it easier to ask, because we are told what to expect, and it is the unknown we fear the most.

--JJM