Visiting with my in-laws.

     Yesterday I spent the afternoon and evening with my in-laws.  Do not get me wrong, I love them dearly and enjoy their company.  However, these visits fill me with fear most times.  I worry what I should talk about, and worry that I will run out of things to say.  Because of this I often sit silently and passively.

     Meal time is particularly stressful.  I am not used to the concept of multiple forks and the like.  I grew up where there was only one fork, and you ate everything with it.  When the meal starts and the salad is served I have to look and see which fork everyone else is using.  On the note of salads, I worry that the lettuce on my fork is going to come off the tip slightly and spring open forcing me to take more than a mouthful of salad at once.

     This visit was especially rough.  My wife went over information from her childhood and shared stories about growing up.  Under the best of circumstances I don’t remember much of my childhood, and the parts I do remember are suggested by other people and are subject to bias.  Perhaps it was our frequent moves, bad memory, or some other force.  The few memories I have of my childhood are good, though far between.  To compound difficulties precious little remains of my childhood.  This made it somewhat difficult to hear her memories, even the “bad” ones.

     Though I am, by and large, not sentimental I do find myself wishing I had more details on growing up.  I remember things in fragments up until my early adolescence and know that it could not be any kind of medication issue because I failed to remember before I was on medication.  This disconnect between my life and my memories makes me slightly jealous of those with ready access to their past.

     I know my parents love me, and I do hope they know that I love them; the distance between us is so great that I have found a sort of surrogacy with my in-laws and constantly worry that my parents think that I have replaced them.  As much as I love my in-laws, I often feel as though I do not fit in with them, and I feel incredibly disconnected from my own family.  Thus it feels as though I have only my wife in my family.

     Feeling alone in a room full of people is hard; it is a feeling that many of us have had from time to time.  I know in my heart that they all care for me, but my head tends to disagree.  I constantly fear rejection, judgment, and ridicule.  I feel as though I’ve been rejected too many times and therefore keep myself closely guarded.

     What kinds of social situations do you find stressful?  How do/did you cope with them?

--JJM

Reflections on having social anxiety disorder.

     On top of bipolar I also have social anxiety disorder.  I would like to think that my case is much more mild than most, however it still greatly affects my life.  Social anxiety disorder is also known as social phobia and it can strike anyone.  People like to think of those sufferers as just being shy or introverted, but the reality of it is far worse than that.  Many, including myself, worry about everything we say or have said.  Often those who live with this type of anxiety practice what we are going to say or do many times before actually doing it.

     I know I try to “predict” how a conversation is going to go.  I often guess at what someone is going to say before they say it so I can work on how I would respond.  I am often wrong and it leaves me in an awkward situation where I have no idea how I am supposed to respond.  This leads to one of two things, either I don’t say anything, or I say what I perceive as the “wrong thing.”  Both of these are problematic.  If I don’t say anything I assume people with think I am smug or that I am uninteresting.  These feed into issues of self-worth and confidence.  If I say the so-called wrong thing, I call myself stupid for saying it.

     If I am not trying to predict the conversation then I simply trip over my words.  My mouth works faster than my brain can edit and something strange comes out, if anything at all.  Again, these are my perceptions of how I sound and feed into a sort of depressive mood where I “beat myself up.”  It is often the case that social anxiety and depression occur within the same person.

      My other problem is, perhaps, smug.  I simply don’t care what someone else is actually saying.  I don’t mean if they are saying something important or interesting, I mean when a stranger on the bus starts talking about the weather.  I don’t care.  I don’t understand so-called small talk.  It confuses me beyond belief.  People rarely say what they mean, they rarely say anything important, but in order to fit in with society you have to play the social game.

     I have often asked others, many in mental health professions, what the purpose of small talk is and they have no answer except that it leads to other conversations.  I don’t understand why people can’t just start with real conversation, or at least enjoy the silence.  If you jump right to the “meat” of a conversation before it is appropriate you are considered to have committed a faux pas.

     Another problem that I know I have is not answering questions correctly.  I don’t mean factually correct, I mean adhering to the letter of a question not the spirit of it.  For instance if you ask me how my day went there is a huge chance you will get the answer “fine,” and that’s it.  I have been informed that the spirit of that particular question is actually a series of implied questions such as “did anything interesting happen?”  “How are you feeling after your day?  (How is your mood today?)”  “What happened in general during your day?”  “Why did your day go the way it did?”

     I rarely answer my phone, even if it is my therapist confirming my appointment, and just wait and check my messages.  This is similar to how I deal with knocks at my door.  I tend to not answer, or oddly enough, I feel obligated to answer and listen to what the solicitor has to say to the fullest and then feel guilty about saying no.

     Facets of social anxiety make it hard for me to say no.  I feel that if I say no, or voice a contrary opinion I won’t be liked.  Being liked is very important; even though I like to say that I don’t care what people think about me, if I know they don’t like me it does hurt.

     I used to be far worse than I am now.  Since moving to Toronto I have been seeing a CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) therapist.  There I have started to learn to live in the moment and try not to predict how a conversation is going to go.  I am also learning to be more assertive and to stand up for myself.  I’ve learned about separating thoughts from feelings, and many other useful tools.

     While CBT may not be for everyone, it has certainly helped me.

     You are more than welcome to share your thoughts and/or experiences on social anxiety disorder in the comments below.

--JJM

Update on the Finding a Voice in a Maelstrom Project

     I have a hope that one day my message will reach people and make an impact for the good of humanity (to one degree or another).  As such, I have turned the message into a full blown project.  It will be an approximate 4-5 minute video (photo collage), set to music as the words are being spoken.

     So how much work have I made on this goal?  I've already recorded the spoken audio, I have a musician who is writing and playing some music for the background.  I also have four (!) artists working on images for the project (I would like to thank my friends and this Reddit community).

     I have worked on a teaser image for the project, which took me a few hours to get right.

 

     If you have ever felt like an outsider in a social situation, if you or someone you know is a bit awkward, or suffers from social anxiety disorder (or thinks that they may), please feel free to take that image and share it where ever you'd like.  Facebook, Twitter, etc.

     Also, I would like to note, I'm getting upwards of 90 hits a day.  Thank you all.  Continue to share what you feel is appropriate, continue reading, and please, don't be afraid to comment or contact me.

     I also found a wonderful blog written by a wonderful author that, if you have time, you should check out.  I also recently joined a community for people who suffer from social anxiety, a pretty nifty place to check out if that is your thing.

     I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this all goes as well as I hope that it will.  I just never realized how much work this would all be, and it has barely even started.

--JJM

The confusing world of having social anxiety and bipolar.

     Having both social anxiety and bipolar is a confusing thing.  As I mentioned before when the highs hit I have a sense of confidence, but I still suffer from anxiety.  It is like looking at a picture that is placed upside down while standing on my head.  There is disorientation because the image is right, but the background is upside down.  On top of this, there is that dizziness from the blood rushing to my brain.  I take charge in conversation and share my knowledge on a topic.  Then in a moment of “clarity” I notice what I’m doing and apologize for it.

     Also of note is that during my “normal” phase I possess anxiety and have negative thoughts about myself which leads to depression.  The mania will eventually lead to a crash and the anxiety will likely lead to a slow slide into depressive states.  So it seems as though no matter what I do, I will go into a depressive state.

     As I slide into depression it is hard to tell at what point my self-esteem and discomfort is caused by my social anxiety issues or a true depressive issue.  As I struggle with this I blame myself for having SA (Social anxiety), and develop even more loathing for myself.  Then, as I eventually begin to swing upwards again I start to believe I am making progress on my SA.

     The more people begin to praise me on the progress I’ve made, which makes me uncomfortable and begins the erosion of that confidence I was building due to mania.  So I am left with this ultra confusing mass.  Are my mood swings caused by SA and I only need to work on the depressive issues and my hypomanic state is my baseline?  Is my SA caused by mood swings and I don’t really have SA just bipolar and my anxiety is really just depression?

     Then I remember how deeply my anxiety truly impacts my life and I am reminded (when I am at a “normal” point in my life) that I, in fact, do have both.  This news is not as bad as it could be, I suppose.  I’m not on any medications for my SA, nor do I normally wish to be.  Therefore the only thing that can help me is my own work and therapy.  Luckily many of the things associated with SA, such as low self worth and discomfort around people, are also signs of depression and can be tempered with proper medication.

     I feel as though I need to learn to, well, learn from my hypomania and become comfortable with my confidence and not feel the need to apologize.  And that is where the work and therapy comes in.  In the meantime, the two are not the chocolate and peanut butter of the mental illness world.

--JJM

More thoughts on having social anxiety and how I deal with it.

     First I am going to be all self referential and direct your attention to a previous entry.

     What do I mean by this?  Perhaps the metaphor is not as clear as I would like it to be.  I am anxious most of the time about most things, but what shines for me the most is my awkwardness in social situations.  I assume what I describe is similar to what other people experience.  When I force myself to interact with people on a level they are comfortable with I find it taxing to say the least.  It is not a mere lack of confidence (though that plays a role) it is a lack of ability to participate fluidly.

     I discussed some more of these thoughts on a different entry.  But, what do I mean to say on the topic other than discuss my issues?  People need to understand social anxiety disorder.  It’s not mere nervousness or jitters that are commonly associated with specific interactions such as meeting people for the first time, or public speaking.   Imagine that all the time.  Imagine not understanding the dance people do when interacting, not understanding why people talk about the weather.  Then add the worry of hoping people don’t notice you’re faking it.

     But that is what we do, when we do communicate.  We fake it.  I find there is a hidden timer; it is set for each interaction and also for each person.  Sometimes we have spent enough time with someone to know how long their timer is set for, but often we don’t.  We know something bad is going to happen when the timer goes off, we’re going to say something inappropriate, we’re going to do something offensive, the whole situation is going to get out of hand, we’re going to pass out or throw up, or maybe worse.

     I have found a few things help me in dealing with it though.  If you, like me, get very uncomfortable when people ask you questions, turn around and don’t give them a chance to.  Ask them question after question.  It seems that most people love to talk, so let them do the talking for the both of you.  Even if you don’t particularly care about what they are saying, it makes for a great show.  Another thing that has helped me is paying attention to that ticking time bomb lurking about in your head.  For me, it is not a sudden high alert, but there is a slow mounting of issues that lead to the eventual detonation.   While I still have a handle on my own actions I work a way to excuse myself.

     I was dragged to a party.  Once my level of discomfort was reaching critical mass, I excused myself to the bathroom.  I didn’t actually have to go, but it gave me a few moments alone to calm down a bit before going back out.  When I went back the people that were talking to me and making me uncomfortable were talking to someone else, so I was able to go back to not interacting which further calmed me until once again I was forced to interact.  Rinse and repeat.

     Most importantly remember that of course you will be uncomfortable.  You know this about yourself, but most times for the majority of an interaction it isn’t going to go as bad as you think that it is.  Besides, you don’t know the other person’s story, they may be just as uncomfortable as you are, or more so!

     What else do I have to say to people who do not have social anxiety issues?  Don’t be offended or call out someone on being socially awkward.  We are already raw and sensitive as it is, we don’t need to be reminded that we aren’t doing it right, remind us of what we are doing correctly.  If we just walk away, don’t follow us.  If we abruptly change the subject, don’t change it back.  If we start to rant, listen but excuse yourself if you start to get bored.  I promise you, unless we know you, we won’t press the issue.  If you sense we are uncomfortable and want to be left alone, don’t try to force a conversation.  Unless that conversation starts off with, “Are you as nervous as I am?”

--JJM

Asking for, and receiving, help.

     Two very difficult things to do, for anyone, are to say no or ask for help.  For someone with social anxiety disorder I assume both are even harder.  I know they are for me.  I think there is a relationship between the two concepts that needs to be explored first.  If someone says no firmly they are confident and know what they are capable of handling at any given moment, and the same can be said for someone who asks for help.  Does this mean that if someone has problems with no they automatically have problems with asking for help?  You can be confident in knowing what you can handle but ashamed that you can’t handle more.  I think that would lend more to an ability to say no but not ask for help.  Likewise, someone who wishes to please everyone would have a hard time saying no, but generally an easier time with asking for help.

     

     So someone with social anxiety disorder would fall where?  I know for me, I want to please everyone but am afraid that I will be unable to do what is required of me and therefore tend not to take on more than is needed.  Rather than risk the grand show of failure I rather avoid participation at all.  Asking for help is a little more straightforward.

      

     First there is this sense of shame for needing to even ask for help in the first place.  There is also a sense of judgment that we fear for how we got into a position to need the help in the first place.   I know that I feel as though I am a bad person for perhaps not being good enough to succeed from the get go.  There are more self judgmental thoughts that race through the head, such as why would anyone want to help, that people have problems of their own they need to deal with and that their problems are greater than my own.  Put basically you don’t want to be a bother or drain on people.

      

     This is all on top of “normal” social anxiety stuff such as not even knowing how to broach the subject of asking for help.  As a classic example, I was in college and just recently out of the hospital for the first time.  A good friend of mine said to call any time day or night if I needed anything.  I was feeling especially raw one night and was thinking of cutting again.  I called up my friend who was too busy to talk.

    
     It took everything I had to convince myself to pick up the phone and call, I was shaking, pacing, going over what I would say and how he would react, my heart was racing, mouth dry, stomach churning.  All to be told that even after he said he would be there, he wasn’t.  This reinforced the depressive thoughts I was having anyway, but also led me to never want to ask another human for help again.  All of that worry, and in the end, I was right.  So why put myself through the worry again?

      

     Saying “Call me if you ever need anything” is such a common statement people make that it is meaningless and quite frankly unrealistic.  What should someone do instead, especially when dealing with someone prone to depression or anxiety?  Prove that you are there for them and willing to help.  Tell them, when you sense something is up, that you are coming over for tea.  When there, ask them how they are doing, if they need anything.  Be somewhat assertive with this; reiterate that you are there to help and what you are willing and capable of doing.  Set up another visit before leaving, if you are sincere about helping, realize that we may need help in getting help.  By and large we are too timid to stop you from helping once you start.

      

     Once we see your sincerity and see that you do actually want to help (and perhaps indeed you are capable of performing the help we need) we will be less afraid of you.  If you feel the need say “call me if you ever need anything” be a bit more specific.  “I’m around most days in the evening if you ever want to chat.”  “If you need a ride somewhere, give me a call ahead of time and I will see what I can work out for you.”     

     Once we have very clear rules for what and when we can ask it makes it easier to ask, because we are told what to expect, and it is the unknown we fear the most.

--JJM