A darker time than usual.

I don't want to alarm anyone, but I'm struggling right now and I don't know why.  I post a lot of more positive things usually, however that does not mean my life is all sunshine and rainbows.  As a matter of fact, most days it is a numbing grey sensation.  Right now seems a bit darker than usual though.  I can't quite put my finger on it.  The sensation for harming myself is high, and with each passing day it gets higher.  Don't panic, I've already told people and have plans in place to ensure my safety.  I'd like to take this time to talk about these urges though.

These urges have come with an increase in nightmares and closed eye hallucinations.  What do I see when I close my eyes?  Random patterns of light at first, then flashes of images that I can't control, usually disturbing in nature.  This leads to me not getting restful sleep, which in turn leads to depression.

Currently however I am experiencing a mixed state.  Which is when I am experiencing both a high and a low all at the same time.  Which is confusing to imagine, I know, but I assure you that such a thing exists.  This makes it hard to identify what is going on with me because on the one hand I may have a lack of interest in things that I normally would, conversely I have more ambition for things that I haven't done in a while.  I also am aware that this is the time when I am most prone to actually committing suicide.  All my attempts in the past have been during mixed episodes.

I'm not sure why I'm feeling this way, or even if anything can fix it.  Maybe it is time to see about getting my medications changed.  I've thought about getting another evaluation done, because I'm thinking there's more at work that just bipolar and social anxiety disorder.  New country, new rules though, so I'm not even sure how to go about getting that done.

Or even if they will, given how long I have had this diagnosis.  Not being believed is something that bothers me.  Especially after an event that occurred about four years ago during a hospitalization.  The doctor asked me where my scars were.  If I cut, I would surely have scars.

This upset me greatly, and makes me hesitant to share my experiences honestly for fear of being judged like that again.

At any rate, I have been given the task to figure out what is wrong.  What if nothing triggered the episode and I am just chemically deprived?  I suppose that would be what is wrong.  I suppose trying to figure out how to get to a doctor is a good first step.

What do you do to help in times of darkness?  I'm looking for any suggestions you may have.  Thanks for taking the time to read.

--JJM

Dealing with general anxiety (a short introduction to my experience)

I often get stressed about things and I don't understand why.  Even better than that, I often get stressed about things and I don't know that I am even stressed about anything in particular.  This leads to many things, including fatigue, anger, and general unrest.  This often comes out in my being particularly cantankerous at times.  I fully realize that I may need to focus on this and am mostly writing to brainstorm on what I can do differently to help recognize my triggers and how to deal with them in a healthy and productive way.

Perhaps I should look at things in reverse.  Perhaps I should notice when I am being particular on edge and stop and evaluate, in more detail, why I am feeling that particular way.  In the past this has been less than ideal because I would find something external to focus on as the trigger for my current issue instead of what was really bothering me.  This led to many arguments that could only be classified as extraneous.

One thing that seems to help is to have someone understanding who is able to "check" me.  That is, ask me why I'm upset and understand that my stated reason may not be the true reason.  Though, as understanding as she is she sometimes upset that I am not more able to identify my emotions and thoughts.  She touts "mindfulness," but I try.  The issue is my mind wanders, and I mean goes out for a walk to end no others.  So many thoughts occurring simultaneously in such a way that they are like fish swimming in a school:  hard to track down and catch a single one.

This is apparent in the way I write.  More free-form I suppose.

Anyway.  The way things are going right now, I know that I'm stressed about work (I've now got two jobs), but is that all?  I know right now I think I'm struggling with things emotionally, but I'm not sure how much of that is work, and how much of that is me going so long without "professional" support.  Perhaps a mixture of both?

I just know that I am lucky that the Universe has conspired to guide my actions in such a way that I wound up with my wife.  I could have theoretically wound up with her if things had gone ideally with university and other aspects of my life, but I would not be the person I am nor have the things I do.  It is a wonderful conspiracy to be sure.

I should probably end this bit of a rant before it becomes totally derailed.  I will write again soon with regards to what I am struggling with specifically.

--JJM

"You don't seem bi polar."

Not so long ago these words were said to me.

I felt like asking "What does a person with bi polar disorder seem like?"  I, however, didn't.  I'm not even sure what was meant by the comment.  I pondered what it could have meant.  Maybe missing more days where I volunteer, maybe doing "obviously crazy" things.  So, I am going to talk about who I am as a person to demonstrate what it actually means to be bi polar.

I just recently attained my permanent residency in Canada, so I've begun looking for full time work.  This is a long and difficult process as I am attempting to maneuver a career change.  Career change from what?  Well, being as I had gotten sick in University and felt that I was unable to get the support I needed and so flunked out of my courses, when I returned home (eventually) after a manic phase, to a very small town I was presented with very few employment options.  As such I took employment where I could: a Wal-Mart.  I worked there for a while before having another manic phase taking me to another state where I began to work, again, in retail.  This became who I was professionally and so I was left with feeling as though I could do nothing else.  I moved to yet another small town where the only place to really work was either Wal-Mart or a grocery store.  I decided to change things up and worked for the grocer.

So, where does this tie in with what my career change is?  As you could have guessed, I am trying desperately to get out of the retail business.  My interview is actually with an inbound call centre for a larger telecommunications company.  Not ideal, but I stand a good chance (I feel) of getting this work full time work.

Also of note on this front is since volunteering here at an alternative high school I've developed strong connections with people and have networked extensively allowing many additional opportunities to develop such as working in the day camps, or other positions.  Which is towards my ultimate career goal.

I play video games, board games, and pen and paper role-playing games in my spare time.  I usually try to take as many people as I can along for those rides, because they are more fun in groups.  Which seems opposite of my social anxiety, but that is a story for another time.  I have been learning HTML, CSS, and JavaScript in my spare time.  I'm doing this because of a program I found a while ago that allows the user to use the before mentioned languages, as well as it's own markup language, to write choose your own adventure stories/games.

I am happily married, and have been married longer than I've been seeking treatment.  More importantly than that is the fact that I have a great support system here that includes feeling as though I am making a difference in the world, friends and family here, as well as hobbies to keep me busy.  I try not to miss days, though I was incredibly sick with the flu for a few days last year and had to miss.  I have been told that I am "doing better than expected," whatever that is supposed to mean.

That's not to say my life is normal, I don't/can't drink nearly as much as I used to because of my medications.  I have to make sure my schedule is followed, my pills are taken, and other things to ensure my continued success.  I'm not perfect on any of those fronts, I've been known to stay up too late, miss days of medications, and the like.  I am better than I used to be for sure.  But no, I do not "seem" bi polar.  Because I am more than that, I am a complete individual with unique interests, goals, and abilities, just like everyone else.

I just happen to have an illness that sometimes causes issues in my life.  The point I think I am trying to make here is, we (people with mental health issues), are more than stereotypes and bit roles.  We aren't crazy (in the way people assume we are), we aren't ax murderers, or drooling messes.  By and large we are normal, everyday people, and the person you work with may have a serious mental illness such as schizophrenia, or bi polar, and you'd never know.  The more we we break the stigma, the more we openly talk about these things, the better as a whole our world will become.

So, what does it mean for you to be you?  How do you define yourself?  Any thoughts, I'd love to hear from you out there!  Until next time.
--JJM