The confusing world of having social anxiety and bipolar.

     Having both social anxiety and bipolar is a confusing thing.  As I mentioned before when the highs hit I have a sense of confidence, but I still suffer from anxiety.  It is like looking at a picture that is placed upside down while standing on my head.  There is disorientation because the image is right, but the background is upside down.  On top of this, there is that dizziness from the blood rushing to my brain.  I take charge in conversation and share my knowledge on a topic.  Then in a moment of “clarity” I notice what I’m doing and apologize for it.

     Also of note is that during my “normal” phase I possess anxiety and have negative thoughts about myself which leads to depression.  The mania will eventually lead to a crash and the anxiety will likely lead to a slow slide into depressive states.  So it seems as though no matter what I do, I will go into a depressive state.

     As I slide into depression it is hard to tell at what point my self-esteem and discomfort is caused by my social anxiety issues or a true depressive issue.  As I struggle with this I blame myself for having SA (Social anxiety), and develop even more loathing for myself.  Then, as I eventually begin to swing upwards again I start to believe I am making progress on my SA.

     The more people begin to praise me on the progress I’ve made, which makes me uncomfortable and begins the erosion of that confidence I was building due to mania.  So I am left with this ultra confusing mass.  Are my mood swings caused by SA and I only need to work on the depressive issues and my hypomanic state is my baseline?  Is my SA caused by mood swings and I don’t really have SA just bipolar and my anxiety is really just depression?

     Then I remember how deeply my anxiety truly impacts my life and I am reminded (when I am at a “normal” point in my life) that I, in fact, do have both.  This news is not as bad as it could be, I suppose.  I’m not on any medications for my SA, nor do I normally wish to be.  Therefore the only thing that can help me is my own work and therapy.  Luckily many of the things associated with SA, such as low self worth and discomfort around people, are also signs of depression and can be tempered with proper medication.

     I feel as though I need to learn to, well, learn from my hypomania and become comfortable with my confidence and not feel the need to apologize.  And that is where the work and therapy comes in.  In the meantime, the two are not the chocolate and peanut butter of the mental illness world.

--JJM

My observations of being bipolar II

     The hypomania is absolutely wonderful at times.  I get a jolt of confidence, a burst of energy, sometimes even (if I’m lucky) a wellspring of creativity.  Sure the staying up for days plays with your body and mind, but I get so much done.  It is a feeling that I never want to end.  I find that it doesn’t seem like it is going to end.

     I am able to, and more willing, to speak on topics with a sense of authority.  The ideas come quickly, clearly, and usually I am able to grasp all but the most elusive.  I’m far friendlier, I’m joking, and I’m everything I want to be.

     So what, then, is the problem?  Something happens.  Someone says something, I do something I regret and realize I’ve done it, or I see something or hear something that causes me to crash.  And the crash is hard.

     I feel the familiar stings of depression and want nothing more than for things to go back to normal.  Each day feels like an eternity.  And it is different from a long lasting depressive state.  With those, it’s hard to remember a time when I was happy.  With a major mood swing it is this harsh reminder that just yesterday I was on top of the world putting my depressive mood into this weird sense of surrealism.

      And then it sets in, that hopelessness that you will never feel better again.  Eventually I stabilize and get back to “normal,” but there is this part of me that secretly wishes the hypomania would come back.  I know it isn’t good for me, but it was so much fun while it lasted.  I know, however, it won’t last and I will only be left feeling hurt by the whole cycle.

     I have a hard time telling when I’m in a hypomanic state, I can very much tell when I crash though.  This leads me to a retrospective knowledge of my mistakes.  This leads to me beating myself up for those things and deepening the depressive state. 

      As I slip into depressive states I find increased nervousness, inability to focus, indecisiveness, moodiness, and sensitivity.

     My psychiatrist has said “bipolar is an ugly disease, it is not a bad disease, but it sure is ugly.”  I finally feel that I am able to understand those words.  The medication helps to reduce the severity and frequency of occurrences, and the therapy helps me to identify triggers and understand how I feel at certain times.  I just wish that I had the level of understanding of self that I thought I had. 

--JJM

More thoughts on having social anxiety and how I deal with it.

     First I am going to be all self referential and direct your attention to a previous entry.

     What do I mean by this?  Perhaps the metaphor is not as clear as I would like it to be.  I am anxious most of the time about most things, but what shines for me the most is my awkwardness in social situations.  I assume what I describe is similar to what other people experience.  When I force myself to interact with people on a level they are comfortable with I find it taxing to say the least.  It is not a mere lack of confidence (though that plays a role) it is a lack of ability to participate fluidly.

     I discussed some more of these thoughts on a different entry.  But, what do I mean to say on the topic other than discuss my issues?  People need to understand social anxiety disorder.  It’s not mere nervousness or jitters that are commonly associated with specific interactions such as meeting people for the first time, or public speaking.   Imagine that all the time.  Imagine not understanding the dance people do when interacting, not understanding why people talk about the weather.  Then add the worry of hoping people don’t notice you’re faking it.

     But that is what we do, when we do communicate.  We fake it.  I find there is a hidden timer; it is set for each interaction and also for each person.  Sometimes we have spent enough time with someone to know how long their timer is set for, but often we don’t.  We know something bad is going to happen when the timer goes off, we’re going to say something inappropriate, we’re going to do something offensive, the whole situation is going to get out of hand, we’re going to pass out or throw up, or maybe worse.

     I have found a few things help me in dealing with it though.  If you, like me, get very uncomfortable when people ask you questions, turn around and don’t give them a chance to.  Ask them question after question.  It seems that most people love to talk, so let them do the talking for the both of you.  Even if you don’t particularly care about what they are saying, it makes for a great show.  Another thing that has helped me is paying attention to that ticking time bomb lurking about in your head.  For me, it is not a sudden high alert, but there is a slow mounting of issues that lead to the eventual detonation.   While I still have a handle on my own actions I work a way to excuse myself.

     I was dragged to a party.  Once my level of discomfort was reaching critical mass, I excused myself to the bathroom.  I didn’t actually have to go, but it gave me a few moments alone to calm down a bit before going back out.  When I went back the people that were talking to me and making me uncomfortable were talking to someone else, so I was able to go back to not interacting which further calmed me until once again I was forced to interact.  Rinse and repeat.

     Most importantly remember that of course you will be uncomfortable.  You know this about yourself, but most times for the majority of an interaction it isn’t going to go as bad as you think that it is.  Besides, you don’t know the other person’s story, they may be just as uncomfortable as you are, or more so!

     What else do I have to say to people who do not have social anxiety issues?  Don’t be offended or call out someone on being socially awkward.  We are already raw and sensitive as it is, we don’t need to be reminded that we aren’t doing it right, remind us of what we are doing correctly.  If we just walk away, don’t follow us.  If we abruptly change the subject, don’t change it back.  If we start to rant, listen but excuse yourself if you start to get bored.  I promise you, unless we know you, we won’t press the issue.  If you sense we are uncomfortable and want to be left alone, don’t try to force a conversation.  Unless that conversation starts off with, “Are you as nervous as I am?”

--JJM

Blog For Mental Health 2014 Campaign and a short version of my "story."

“I pledge my commitment to the Blog for Mental Health 2014 Project. I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others. By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health. I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma.”  

      My story with mental illness as only I can tell it.  I had a strange life leading up until college when like many I was struck by mental illness.  I was 19.  I was taken to injuring myself with anything I could find, though broken glass was by far my favorite.  After some relative strangers informed the dorm I was in of what was going on I was sent to a hospital and diagnosed bipolar.  At the time I didn't feel as though anything were wrong with me, at least not to the degree that others in the same ward.  I quickly told the doctors exactly what they wanted to hear in order for them to let me out.

     Once out I refused treatment and dropped out of college.  After several years of "having it under control" (which in retrospect, I didn't) I found myself more or less where I currently live.  I started to realize that I needed help, but continued to put it off.  It was not until I attempted to kill myself via drug overdose that I scared myself into actually getting help.  That was only a mere year and a half ago.

     I have since remained on medication and continue to go to therapy.  Also something that I found which has helped me to no end is something called "psychiatric rehabilitation" which is a program where you go during the day and learn how to function in the world again.  This is done through a mixture of hands on activities such as arts and crafts, computer use, games, and home skills as well as more educational activities such as medication education, social skills, and current events as they pertain to mental illness.  To be honest, without this program I don't know how well I would really be able to cope.

     I want others with mental illness to know they aren't alone, I also want people who know people with mental illness to have some kind of understanding of what it is like.  It is for this reason that I am officially joining the Blog For Mental Health Campaign

http://acanvasoftheminds.com/2014/01/07/blog-for-mental-health-2014/

--JJM

Asking for, and receiving, help.

     Two very difficult things to do, for anyone, are to say no or ask for help.  For someone with social anxiety disorder I assume both are even harder.  I know they are for me.  I think there is a relationship between the two concepts that needs to be explored first.  If someone says no firmly they are confident and know what they are capable of handling at any given moment, and the same can be said for someone who asks for help.  Does this mean that if someone has problems with no they automatically have problems with asking for help?  You can be confident in knowing what you can handle but ashamed that you can’t handle more.  I think that would lend more to an ability to say no but not ask for help.  Likewise, someone who wishes to please everyone would have a hard time saying no, but generally an easier time with asking for help.

     

     So someone with social anxiety disorder would fall where?  I know for me, I want to please everyone but am afraid that I will be unable to do what is required of me and therefore tend not to take on more than is needed.  Rather than risk the grand show of failure I rather avoid participation at all.  Asking for help is a little more straightforward.

      

     First there is this sense of shame for needing to even ask for help in the first place.  There is also a sense of judgment that we fear for how we got into a position to need the help in the first place.   I know that I feel as though I am a bad person for perhaps not being good enough to succeed from the get go.  There are more self judgmental thoughts that race through the head, such as why would anyone want to help, that people have problems of their own they need to deal with and that their problems are greater than my own.  Put basically you don’t want to be a bother or drain on people.

      

     This is all on top of “normal” social anxiety stuff such as not even knowing how to broach the subject of asking for help.  As a classic example, I was in college and just recently out of the hospital for the first time.  A good friend of mine said to call any time day or night if I needed anything.  I was feeling especially raw one night and was thinking of cutting again.  I called up my friend who was too busy to talk.

    
     It took everything I had to convince myself to pick up the phone and call, I was shaking, pacing, going over what I would say and how he would react, my heart was racing, mouth dry, stomach churning.  All to be told that even after he said he would be there, he wasn’t.  This reinforced the depressive thoughts I was having anyway, but also led me to never want to ask another human for help again.  All of that worry, and in the end, I was right.  So why put myself through the worry again?

      

     Saying “Call me if you ever need anything” is such a common statement people make that it is meaningless and quite frankly unrealistic.  What should someone do instead, especially when dealing with someone prone to depression or anxiety?  Prove that you are there for them and willing to help.  Tell them, when you sense something is up, that you are coming over for tea.  When there, ask them how they are doing, if they need anything.  Be somewhat assertive with this; reiterate that you are there to help and what you are willing and capable of doing.  Set up another visit before leaving, if you are sincere about helping, realize that we may need help in getting help.  By and large we are too timid to stop you from helping once you start.

      

     Once we see your sincerity and see that you do actually want to help (and perhaps indeed you are capable of performing the help we need) we will be less afraid of you.  If you feel the need say “call me if you ever need anything” be a bit more specific.  “I’m around most days in the evening if you ever want to chat.”  “If you need a ride somewhere, give me a call ahead of time and I will see what I can work out for you.”     

     Once we have very clear rules for what and when we can ask it makes it easier to ask, because we are told what to expect, and it is the unknown we fear the most.

--JJM