A darker time than usual.

I don't want to alarm anyone, but I'm struggling right now and I don't know why.  I post a lot of more positive things usually, however that does not mean my life is all sunshine and rainbows.  As a matter of fact, most days it is a numbing grey sensation.  Right now seems a bit darker than usual though.  I can't quite put my finger on it.  The sensation for harming myself is high, and with each passing day it gets higher.  Don't panic, I've already told people and have plans in place to ensure my safety.  I'd like to take this time to talk about these urges though.

These urges have come with an increase in nightmares and closed eye hallucinations.  What do I see when I close my eyes?  Random patterns of light at first, then flashes of images that I can't control, usually disturbing in nature.  This leads to me not getting restful sleep, which in turn leads to depression.

Currently however I am experiencing a mixed state.  Which is when I am experiencing both a high and a low all at the same time.  Which is confusing to imagine, I know, but I assure you that such a thing exists.  This makes it hard to identify what is going on with me because on the one hand I may have a lack of interest in things that I normally would, conversely I have more ambition for things that I haven't done in a while.  I also am aware that this is the time when I am most prone to actually committing suicide.  All my attempts in the past have been during mixed episodes.

I'm not sure why I'm feeling this way, or even if anything can fix it.  Maybe it is time to see about getting my medications changed.  I've thought about getting another evaluation done, because I'm thinking there's more at work that just bipolar and social anxiety disorder.  New country, new rules though, so I'm not even sure how to go about getting that done.

Or even if they will, given how long I have had this diagnosis.  Not being believed is something that bothers me.  Especially after an event that occurred about four years ago during a hospitalization.  The doctor asked me where my scars were.  If I cut, I would surely have scars.

This upset me greatly, and makes me hesitant to share my experiences honestly for fear of being judged like that again.

At any rate, I have been given the task to figure out what is wrong.  What if nothing triggered the episode and I am just chemically deprived?  I suppose that would be what is wrong.  I suppose trying to figure out how to get to a doctor is a good first step.

What do you do to help in times of darkness?  I'm looking for any suggestions you may have.  Thanks for taking the time to read.

--JJM

Reflections on being bipolar (Part II, depression).

     This is a continued discussion on bipolar and my experiences with it.  This time I take a look at the opposite and discuss my depressive episodes.

     While my manic/hypomanic episodes generally last only a few weeks my depressive moods may last for significantly longer.  Though there were extenuating circumstances, the longest I can remember was nearly six months.  I get withdrawn and lethargic, sleeping the day away.  Sometimes it even gets to the point where I can’t even bring myself to get out of bed or shower, or do any of the things that need to be done around the house.  Even watching television is too much work.

     Though they do indeed last longer than my other swing it genuinely feels as though it is never going to end and I will feel that way forever.  I lose interest in things I enjoy and get very introspective.  This, coupled with my social anxiety disorder, makes it very hard for me to actually force myself to get out of the house.  I constantly worry that someone I know will see me and ask me how I’m doing and I will have to lie to them.  I also worry that someone would knock at the door and I would be forced to answer it.

     Due to my social anxiety, I have a hard time saying “no,” “no thanks,” or anything else, when trying to “get rid of” people who want something.  This means I have to listen to their entire speech and pretend to be interested, when the last thing I care about is what they are peddling.

     I isolate when I am depressed, as is very common, and this leads to even more depressive thoughts and feelings.  Again, as stated before I have a hard time even realizing that I am behaving any differently than “normal” and have a very hard time identifying what “normal” even is for me.

     Sometimes the depressive symptoms actually manifest as physical pain for me.  I ache all over, and have specific muscle pains as well as the increased tension in my neck and back that begins to become unbearable after a while.  I tend to focus internally and make things about “me.”  Innocent comments made have a sinister hidden meaning towards me.  My problems seem larger than others, I feel as though other people just don’t understand how “bad” my problems really are.

     Of course, I never actually voice those opinions, and keep them to myself allowing the problems to fester and boil until I have a sort of breakdown.  I also tend to get more emotional, crying at inappropriate times for inappropriate reasons, again, never letting that show.  I realize when I am doing well how poorly I was doing at the while depressed, but sometimes it is hard to see just how depressed I really am.

     For me, suicidal thoughts are an interesting notion as it pertains to depressive moods.  There is a point where the suicidal thoughts themselves are of little consequence, I simply don’t have the energy to be bothered to actually go through with the action itself.  It is when I am feeling somewhat better, but still very depressed, that I am a real danger to myself.  That is, I’m having the suicidal thoughts and I have the will to go through with it.  I have managed to fight through those moments fairly successfully.

     I still worry, from time to time, that I may step in front of heavy traffic or a subway train on nothing more than a whim.  This is frightening for both me, and those that love me.  I cannot even imagine what it must be like for them to worry about me in such a way.

     Again, I am not an expert in the field, nor am I attempting to say I am qualified to diagnose anyone with anything.  These are my experiences with the depressive side of bipolar and may differ from either yours or those of one you love.  If you are experiencing these symptoms and think you may be depressed, it is a serious matter and you should speak with your doctor about it as soon as possible.

     So, how do you cope with being depressed?  What are your experiences with depression?  Please share in the comments below.

--JJM

Blog for Mental Health 2015

“I pledge my commitment to the Blog for Mental Health 2015 Project. I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others. By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health. I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma.”

     My mental health journey begins at a young age.  Though this information was omitted from previous posts I only remembered it towards the middle of last year.  I remember bits and pieces of my childhood, but I now clearly remember attempting to hang myself in the schoolyard at the age of eight.  The knot didn’t hold and I fell before any but a few took notice, and thankfully no teachers or other people of authority.  It should have been a great indicator that something was deeply wrong, even at such an age.

     Not much of interest happened until I hit my teenage years.  My first hints of social anxiety and depression manifested but I still did not seek help.  Grade ten I took half a bottle of sleeping pills.  Luckily nothing permanent happened.

     When I left for University things got out of hand.  I came across the concept of cutting.  I cut myself with broken glass and exacto-knives.  That was when the police were called and I was given the choice of signing myself into the hospital, or being forced into one.  I chose the former.  I was diagnosed as bipolar.

     That was in 2003.  The hospital was a scary place for me.  I didn’t feel at all as though I belonged there and fought hard to get out.  By that I mean I did everything I was told and told the doctors exactly what they wanted to hear, and immediately upon seeing the doctor said I wanted to leave.  In retrospect that was not the best idea.  After getting out I dropped out of college and refused any kind of treatment.  I felt as though I could keep things under control.

     This was, of course, a mistake.  I alienated those around me and destroyed many relationships.  It was not until 2012 that I scared myself into getting the help I needed.  I again attempted to overdose on medication, winding up in the hospital again.  This time I didn’t fight it.  Things had changed quite a bit in the nearly ten years between visits.  Realistically I should have been hospitalized many times over.  I was put on medication and sent to therapy.  I also discovered psychosocial rehabilitation, a wonderful program that people should look into if it is available in their area.  It was around this time I was finally diagnosed with social anxiety disorder.

     Then, as stated in my previous entry, things got out of hand and I landed back in the hospital in early 2013.  Since then I have relocated to a new country (Canada), I have been learning how to navigate a completely different mental health system.  It has been a challenge to be sure.  I have been seeing my new therapist for about six months and have been on stable medications for the past year.  Things have gotten to a much more stable place.

     I joined the Blog for Mental Health last year, and did not contribute as much as I wanted to.  This year I will make it a point to contribute much more than last and look forward to reading and interacting with other bloggers.  I want to make it a point to erase as much stigma about mental health issues as possible.  I hope to educate others on my experiences, and on what mental illness really is.  It is for that reason that I am renewing my pledge to the Blog for Mental Health.

http://blogformentalhealth.com/2015/01/30/blog-for-mental-health-2015/ 

--JJM