"You don't seem bi polar."

Not so long ago these words were said to me.

I felt like asking "What does a person with bi polar disorder seem like?"  I, however, didn't.  I'm not even sure what was meant by the comment.  I pondered what it could have meant.  Maybe missing more days where I volunteer, maybe doing "obviously crazy" things.  So, I am going to talk about who I am as a person to demonstrate what it actually means to be bi polar.

I just recently attained my permanent residency in Canada, so I've begun looking for full time work.  This is a long and difficult process as I am attempting to maneuver a career change.  Career change from what?  Well, being as I had gotten sick in University and felt that I was unable to get the support I needed and so flunked out of my courses, when I returned home (eventually) after a manic phase, to a very small town I was presented with very few employment options.  As such I took employment where I could: a Wal-Mart.  I worked there for a while before having another manic phase taking me to another state where I began to work, again, in retail.  This became who I was professionally and so I was left with feeling as though I could do nothing else.  I moved to yet another small town where the only place to really work was either Wal-Mart or a grocery store.  I decided to change things up and worked for the grocer.

So, where does this tie in with what my career change is?  As you could have guessed, I am trying desperately to get out of the retail business.  My interview is actually with an inbound call centre for a larger telecommunications company.  Not ideal, but I stand a good chance (I feel) of getting this work full time work.

Also of note on this front is since volunteering here at an alternative high school I've developed strong connections with people and have networked extensively allowing many additional opportunities to develop such as working in the day camps, or other positions.  Which is towards my ultimate career goal.

I play video games, board games, and pen and paper role-playing games in my spare time.  I usually try to take as many people as I can along for those rides, because they are more fun in groups.  Which seems opposite of my social anxiety, but that is a story for another time.  I have been learning HTML, CSS, and JavaScript in my spare time.  I'm doing this because of a program I found a while ago that allows the user to use the before mentioned languages, as well as it's own markup language, to write choose your own adventure stories/games.

I am happily married, and have been married longer than I've been seeking treatment.  More importantly than that is the fact that I have a great support system here that includes feeling as though I am making a difference in the world, friends and family here, as well as hobbies to keep me busy.  I try not to miss days, though I was incredibly sick with the flu for a few days last year and had to miss.  I have been told that I am "doing better than expected," whatever that is supposed to mean.

That's not to say my life is normal, I don't/can't drink nearly as much as I used to because of my medications.  I have to make sure my schedule is followed, my pills are taken, and other things to ensure my continued success.  I'm not perfect on any of those fronts, I've been known to stay up too late, miss days of medications, and the like.  I am better than I used to be for sure.  But no, I do not "seem" bi polar.  Because I am more than that, I am a complete individual with unique interests, goals, and abilities, just like everyone else.

I just happen to have an illness that sometimes causes issues in my life.  The point I think I am trying to make here is, we (people with mental health issues), are more than stereotypes and bit roles.  We aren't crazy (in the way people assume we are), we aren't ax murderers, or drooling messes.  By and large we are normal, everyday people, and the person you work with may have a serious mental illness such as schizophrenia, or bi polar, and you'd never know.  The more we we break the stigma, the more we openly talk about these things, the better as a whole our world will become.

So, what does it mean for you to be you?  How do you define yourself?  Any thoughts, I'd love to hear from you out there!  Until next time.
--JJM

Labels and allowing yourself to become an illness.

     Is it really useful to have a label to apply to yourself, especially in the context with a disorder or illness?  While many people who have a mental health diagnosis eventually move past this label, it can be hard for some to accept that they are more than their diagnosis.  I know one individual that relates every experience they have to their diagnosis.  They have self-imposed this sort of rigid set of definitions upon themselves such that everything that occurs does so because of their illness.  Partly, in their case, it is done because that is all they have known.  However, many people who have lived a “normal” life before being forced to live with a diagnosis adhere to this same behavior.

     Though I have spoken on the issue of being more than just a list of symptoms, it needs repeating that when professionals reduce us to a series of symptoms and responses; we begin to adhere to this view.  I agree it is nice to be able to identify what is wrong and be able to give it a name, but there is a subtle difference between the sayings “I am bipolar” and “I have bipolar.”  Replace any other health condition with bipolar and see how the statements stand up.  “I am a cold.”  “I have a cold.”  “I am diabetes.”  “I have diabetes.”

     Why is it that so many people are taught to think the former?  They begin to see everything they do as a symptom.  I have often seen people who think they should have no affect.  If they begin to get agitated they immediately say that they need a medication adjustment.  I, personally, am on the opposite end of this spectrum and have refused to see that my medication did need to be changed.  Often medications are given that can reduce a person to next to no discernible personality.  I was on a particular medication for over a year.  This medication sedated me, robbed me of my ability to speak clearly, and made me a different person.  I was on this medication since before my psychiatrist, therapist, or psychosocial rehabilitation facilitators knew me and therefore assumed that this was the way I was supposed to be.

     Sure my symptoms were gone, and I thought that was all that mattered, so I put up with the side effects.  I assumed that putting up with not having a personality was my curse for having a mental illness.  As such I boxed myself into a checklist of symptoms and noticed I had none of them and assumed I was doing well.  To my psychiatrist my symptoms were gone, and that was good enough.  If I was feeling sedated, I should split my dose.  If I was feeling lethargic, it was due to a lack of exercise, not the medication.  The medication was working.  I became my illness such that all I could think of was reducing my symptoms through medication.

     Medication is a very important aspect of mental health recovery.  Ever since switching my medication I have become a “new” person.  That is, I became the person I was before being diagnosed.  They found the right medications for me, and did so fairly quickly.  For some people, this process takes years.  I got lucky.  However, medications are not the be-all end-all.  To medicate your symptoms away and not allow yourself the freedom to experience life is allowing your diagnosis to rule your life.  Realize that there is a lot of work and “personal medicine” to be used in conjunction with psychiatric medication.

     Please do not wish away every emotion.  Be anxious, be sad, and be a little excitable from time to time.  However if you truly feel off, perhaps a medication discussion is in order.   It just should not be the first place to jump to.  If a situation makes you anxious, popping a pill to relieve the anxiety will just reinforce the notion that when anxious a pill makes it better.  Sure, for some people this may be the only course of action.  I would fashion that many people can learn to overcome their anxiety much like any other phobia.  

--JJM