Yet another hiatus, hopefully my last.

There seems to be a pattern with my writing, where I write for a month or two and then stop.  I must analyze this and figure out why I fall into this pattern.  My wife seems to think that I only write when I am going into a manic state.  Based on the two years I actually wrote it seems that I then “get manic” in the early spring.  This all leads to the notion of self-awareness.  I am not the most self-aware when it comes to my emotional state.

So, how do I become more aware of my mental state?  My wife bought me a book on mindfulness for the holidays last year, which I read, but it was more on mindfulness meditation.  That is great and all, but I do not know how that would translate into becoming aware of my emotional state when it changes so frequently.

Enough of the negativity with that, what changes have I made to help prevent my mood swings from becoming too frequent or extreme?

Whereas I had always awoke at the same time regardless of when I had gone to bed, I have again changed my sleeping patterns.  I have two times that my alarm is set for, an earlier alarm for the weekday, and a later alarm for the weekend.  But, what I have done differently is decided that I will go to bed at such a time that I always get eight or fewer hours of sleep.  This coupled with a much more strict control over caffeine intake has led to far fewer manic episodes over the past two and a half years.

I have also began using a bullet journal.  What is a bullet journal you ask?  It is a journal with a set of bullet points that correspond to things that I need to keep track of, such as chores, hours of sleep, naps, energy levels, mood levels, and making sure I shower, eat, and other such day to day activities I sometimes struggle with.

What has helped with the depressive side of things is being out of the house on a nearly full time basis during the day, giving me something to occupy my time so that I don’t have the ability to ruminate over things as easily as I used to.

That is not to say that medication hasn’t played a huge role in my continued stability--it has.  I have been careful to keep track of the days I miss my medication and how that impacts my mood.  All in all, these things have all led me to be very stable with only minor fluctuations that are to be expected, and almost always they have some sort of event that triggered a, usually depressive, episode lasting usually just a day.

These things have led me to believe that I can, and will, be better at maintaining the blog.

I am not going to make any kind of false promise that I will update as regularly as I should, but will only do my best to honestly report what is happening with me, my mental health issues, and the so called “good fight.”

But, why would I want to continue writing when I am so notoriously bad at keeping up with it?  Before I would look at my numbers and get discouraged that they weren’t higher.  This was utter nonsense as, firstly, such things shouldn’t matter.  Secondly it takes time, time that I have, time that I want to put in, but had an inflated sense of purpose due to hypo-mania.  I strongly believe that by starting writing with no clear goal, as well as during a time that I am generally unmotivated to do things could very well lead to building writing into a habit rather than an exciting new venture.

Also, I was in contact from some people from the psycho-social rehabilitation centre I was a client of several years ago, and it turns out that they have used some of my postings as a point of education.  This fills me with a sense of actual purpose, as now I know people read, enjoy, and benefit from my ramblings.

So, now I turn to you, readers, what would you like for me to talk about?  What should I do to help keep me focused on the long term goal instead of such short term goals that burn me out?
--JJM

After a year hiatus the blog is back online.

     It has been over a year.  There are some questions that I will address in length.

     Firstly, where did I go for that time?  During the early part of 2014 and much of 2013 my wife and I were separated by a great distance.  She was in Canada looking for work, I was left in our home to keep things going while our lease ran out and she was able to gather the funds for my relocation.  I did not cope with this well at all.  For much of the time I was un-medicated.  I had it in my head that I needed to stockpile my medication for when I moved.  This led to many manic and depressive episodes as well as all the other wonderful symptoms I’ve been known to exhibit.  I started this blog in a whirlwind of excitement born from a manic episode.  I wasn’t sleeping, too busy with everything else to be bothered with any of the day-to-day things.

     After the mania wore off I sunk into a deep depression landing me in the hospital for almost two weeks.  During that time I, of course, couldn’t be bothered with the blog.  Then there was another flurry of excitement as the move to Canada was happening in just a few weeks.  With the help of my in-laws the apartment was put back into a semblance of order (from the destruction I inflicted upon it in my un-medicated state), and packed just in time.  There was a huge sigh of relief.  After that it took time to get everything unpacked, connected, and working.

     In addition to the long process of getting medicated, recovering, and stabilizing, I spent a large portion of my time getting used to the city, having never lived in a city as large as Toronto.  I toyed with the idea of getting back to writing, but just couldn’t do it so soon after a major move.  Shortly thereafter I came into limited contact with someone from my past and I felt a sudden surge of anxiety.  Though I have said that I wanted a level of transparency with this blog, I couldn’t help but feel I couldn’t continue writing because of what this person may eventually find.

     Then, time passed.  I became comfortable not writing.  I started helping out at a local office doing some volunteer work for them and it became a full-time thing.  I didn’t have time to write.  I am still doing that work and have found the time to write, thus eliminating that excuse.  As to feeling unable to write because of what a certain person may find, if I am to actually practice what it is I say I stand for I must not allow that to hold me back.

     That is the “where.”  Why am I back?

     Though I enjoy the work I do at the office, I feel there is something lacking.  My wife says something that I have when I am writing.  I feel I can be a force for good.  It is my duty as a person living with mental health issues to do what I can to educate the world.  To let the world know that we are, in fact, people.  Though I do not pretend to be anything more than a single voice, it is a voice that can, and should, be heard.

     Why now?

     Though I’ve toyed with the idea of getting back into writing, and again getting involved with mental health support and advocacy on social networks, I haven’t for the past year, as I’ve said before.  It was just a few days ago that an old and dear college friend posted a little snippet of writing that struck a particular chord with me.  I don’t usually use trigger warnings because, to be honest, when you are reading the writings of someone with mental health issues almost everything is going to be a trigger.  That being said, the following passage is very intense.

“He draws the lines he's always seen on his skin with razor blades, watching the blood well up from the wounds and draw the patterns on his body. He feels the strength leave his body through the pattern and for once he feels clean. In a final moment everything explodes attempting to force him to live in that one moment he is like a flower, truly beautiful, and then there is nothing, then he is free.”

--Felix Velazquez

     As I said, this struck me deep.  When I was in college, I cut myself.  I broke a coffee mug and used the shards to cut away everything I hated in myself.  I also drank.  A lot.  Sometimes the two even overlapped.  Reading the above passage and recognizing that in myself, I realized that I still had something to give to others.  Even if it is merely letting them know they are not alone in their thoughts and feelings.

     So what now?

     I am writing again, this much I know for sure.  I cannot promise daily updates.  Also in a slight change of practice not every entry will be the sort of tirade that it was.  There will no doubt be a more personal angle to the blog than was present before.

     All of that being said, this time I am back for the long haul.  Expect more info on the Finding a Voice in a Maelstrom page and movement.

Thank you for reading.

--JJM