I know I’ve said
it before, but I have bipolar disorder (type II). Many, if not most, have a cursory
understanding of what this means.
Bipolar is also known as being “manic depressive.” Bipolar is characterized by often severe mood
swings alternating between extreme highs and lows. These highs, known as manic episodes, can be
earmarked by being either extremely, and uncharacteristically, happy or even by
irritability. Conversely the lows, known
as depressive episodes, can manifest as a long period of sadness, and a lack of
interest in things that were once enjoyed. Each person may exhibit different behavioural
changes. For mania my typical symptoms
include racing thoughts, rapid speech, restlessness, taking on more new
projects, and being impulsive. My
depressive symptoms include increased sleep, decreased appetite, irritability,
problems concentrating, and thinking of death.
I am going to
focus on mania and hypomania today. What
is hypomania? Basically, it is a less
“severe” mania. When I experience mania
it usually manifests as hypomania. At
that time I feel as though there is nothing wrong with me and, usually, that I
can go without my medication. This makes
it very hard for me to stay on my medication when I am hypomanic. I get very creative, with ideas flowing quite
freely and an increased desire to work on them.
Ultimately I leave a lot of projects unfinished which, when I “crash”
into a depressive state, leads to feeling like a failure. I can also get quite defensive and insisting
that I’m fine, snapping at the people close to me for suggesting otherwise. Most of my major break-ups in romantic
relationships happened during manic episodes and were very shortly followed by
large moves. This goes to show my
impulsiveness. During this time my
behaviour makes perfect sense to me and seems like the only course of action I
could possibly take.
I was, at one
time, more prone to drug and alcohol use while experiencing an “up-swing.” I must also admit to shoplifting more than
once during previous manic episodes. I
felt as though I would never be caught.
Thankfully I never was, but the risk seemed quite trivial and as though
it could never happen to me. I engaged
in a lot of high risk behaviour. As time
progressed I have gotten a handle on this type of thing and have generally been
much better about keeping it in check with medication.
As I said, I did
not see any harm in what I was doing, and only those around me noticed just how
much damage I was doing. It took many
years to fully understand that I needed help.
It was during a “mixed episode” (an episode of both manic and depressive
symptoms manifesting at the same time) that my most serious event occurred (my
suicide attempt in 2012).
I still have hypomanic episodes, but they are
much more manageable with the medications I am on. My wife tells me she can tell when I’m not
taking my medications because I tend to get manic first. Every day is a struggle at times; between
getting used to the idea of taking medications for the rest of my life, and trying
to better understand where I am on the mood continuum. That last one is especially hard; it is so
rare for me to be able to accurately identify what I am feeling at any given
moment.
There are times
when I wish I could remain in a hypomanic state; it seems so useful to me. Unfortunately the mood never lasts and I am
left very depressed.
Keep in mind, I
am not an expert in the field and these are merely my experiences with mania
associated with bipolar and may be different from others’ experiences, nor am I
qualified to diagnose anyone. If you
think you have some of the above symptoms, be sure to see a doctor and discuss
with them. I’d like to hear from others
whose lives are in any way touched by bipolar disorder. Was this helpful? What are your experiences with bipolar? Leave your responses in the comments below.
--JJM
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