It has been over
a year. There are some questions that I
will address in length.
Firstly, where
did I go for that time? During the early
part of 2014 and much of 2013 my wife and I were separated by a great
distance. She was in Canada looking
for work, I was left in our home to keep things going while our lease ran out
and she was able to gather the funds for my relocation. I did not cope with this well at all. For much of the time I was un-medicated. I had it in my head that I needed to
stockpile my medication for when I moved.
This led to many manic and depressive episodes as well as all the other
wonderful symptoms I’ve been known to exhibit.
I started this blog in a whirlwind of excitement born from a manic
episode. I wasn’t sleeping, too busy
with everything else to be bothered with any of the day-to-day things.
After the mania
wore off I sunk into a deep depression landing me in the hospital for almost
two weeks. During that time I, of
course, couldn’t be bothered with the blog.
Then there was another flurry of excitement as the move to Canada was
happening in just a few weeks. With the
help of my in-laws the apartment was put back into a semblance of order (from
the destruction I inflicted upon it in my un-medicated state), and packed just
in time. There was a huge sigh of
relief. After that it took time to get
everything unpacked, connected, and working.
In addition to
the long process of getting medicated, recovering, and stabilizing, I spent a
large portion of my time getting used to the city, having never lived in a city
as large as Toronto. I toyed with the idea of getting back to
writing, but just couldn’t do it so soon after a major move. Shortly thereafter I came into limited
contact with someone from my past and I felt a sudden surge of anxiety. Though I have said that I wanted a level of
transparency with this blog, I couldn’t help but feel I couldn’t continue
writing because of what this person may eventually find.
Then, time
passed. I became comfortable not
writing. I started helping out at a
local office doing some volunteer work for them and it became a full-time
thing. I didn’t have time to write. I am still doing that work and have found the
time to write, thus eliminating that excuse.
As to feeling unable to write because of what a certain person may find,
if I am to actually practice what it is I say I stand for I must not allow that
to hold me back.
That is the “where.” Why am I back?
Though I enjoy
the work I do at the office, I feel there is something lacking. My wife says something that I have when I am
writing. I feel I can be a force for
good. It is my duty as a person living
with mental health issues to do what I can to educate the world. To let the world know that we are, in fact,
people. Though I do not pretend to be
anything more than a single voice, it is a voice that can, and should, be
heard.
Why now?
Though I’ve toyed
with the idea of getting back into writing, and again getting involved with
mental health support and advocacy on social networks, I haven’t for the past
year, as I’ve said before. It was just a
few days ago that an old and dear college friend posted a little snippet of
writing that struck a particular chord with me.
I don’t usually use trigger warnings because, to be honest, when you are
reading the writings of someone with mental health issues almost everything is
going to be a trigger. That being said,
the following passage is very intense.
“He draws the lines
he's always seen on his skin with razor blades, watching the blood well up from
the wounds and draw the patterns on his body. He feels the strength leave his
body through the pattern and for once he feels clean. In a final moment everything
explodes attempting to force him to live in that one moment he is like a
flower, truly beautiful, and then there is nothing, then he is free.”
--Felix Velazquez
As I said, this
struck me deep. When I was in college, I
cut myself. I broke a coffee mug and used
the shards to cut away everything I hated in myself. I also drank.
A lot. Sometimes the two even
overlapped. Reading the above passage
and recognizing that in myself, I realized that I still had something to give
to others. Even if it is merely letting
them know they are not alone in their thoughts and feelings.
So what now?
I am writing
again, this much I know for sure. I cannot
promise daily updates. Also in a slight
change of practice not every entry will be the sort of tirade that it was. There will no doubt be a more personal angle
to the blog than was present before.
All of that being
said, this time I am back for the long haul.
Expect more info on the Finding a Voice in a Maelstrom page and
movement.
Thank you for reading.
--JJM
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