This is a
continued discussion on bipolar and my experiences with it. This time I take a look at the opposite and
discuss my depressive episodes.
While my
manic/hypomanic episodes generally last only a few weeks my depressive moods
may last for significantly longer.
Though there were extenuating circumstances, the longest I can remember
was nearly six months. I get withdrawn
and lethargic, sleeping the day away.
Sometimes it even gets to the point where I can’t even bring myself to
get out of bed or shower, or do any of the things that need to be done around
the house. Even watching television is
too much work.
Though they do
indeed last longer than my other swing it genuinely feels as though it is never
going to end and I will feel that way forever.
I lose interest in things I enjoy and get very introspective. This, coupled with my social anxiety
disorder, makes it very hard for me to actually force myself to get out of the
house. I constantly worry that someone I
know will see me and ask me how I’m doing and I will have to lie to them. I also worry that someone would knock at the
door and I would be forced to answer it.
Due to my social
anxiety, I have a hard time saying “no,” “no thanks,” or anything else, when
trying to “get rid of” people who want something. This means I have to listen to their entire
speech and pretend to be interested, when the last thing I care about is what
they are peddling.
I isolate when I
am depressed, as is very common, and this leads to even more depressive
thoughts and feelings. Again, as stated
before I have a hard time even realizing that I am behaving any differently
than “normal” and have a very hard time identifying what “normal” even is for
me.
Sometimes the
depressive symptoms actually manifest as physical pain for me. I ache all over, and have specific muscle
pains as well as the increased tension in my neck and back that begins to
become unbearable after a while. I tend
to focus internally and make things about “me.”
Innocent comments made have a sinister hidden meaning towards me. My problems seem larger than others, I feel
as though other people just don’t understand how “bad” my problems really are.
Of course, I
never actually voice those opinions, and keep them to myself allowing the
problems to fester and boil until I have a sort of breakdown. I also tend to get more emotional, crying at
inappropriate times for inappropriate reasons, again, never letting that
show. I realize when I am doing well how
poorly I was doing at the while depressed, but sometimes it is hard to see just
how depressed I really am.
For me, suicidal
thoughts are an interesting notion as it pertains to depressive moods. There is a point where the suicidal thoughts
themselves are of little consequence, I simply don’t have the energy to be
bothered to actually go through with the action itself. It is when I am feeling somewhat better, but
still very depressed, that I am a real danger to myself. That is, I’m having the suicidal thoughts and
I have the will to go through with it. I
have managed to fight through those moments fairly successfully.
I still worry,
from time to time, that I may step in front of heavy traffic or a subway train
on nothing more than a whim. This is
frightening for both me, and those that love me. I cannot even imagine what it must be like
for them to worry about me in such a way.
Again, I am not
an expert in the field, nor am I attempting to say I am qualified to diagnose
anyone with anything. These are my
experiences with the depressive side of bipolar and may differ from either
yours or those of one you love. If you
are experiencing these symptoms and think you may be depressed, it is a serious
matter and you should speak with your doctor about it as soon as possible.
So, how do you
cope with being depressed? What are your
experiences with depression? Please
share in the comments below.
--JJM
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