"You don't seem bi polar."

Not so long ago these words were said to me.

I felt like asking "What does a person with bi polar disorder seem like?"  I, however, didn't.  I'm not even sure what was meant by the comment.  I pondered what it could have meant.  Maybe missing more days where I volunteer, maybe doing "obviously crazy" things.  So, I am going to talk about who I am as a person to demonstrate what it actually means to be bi polar.

I just recently attained my permanent residency in Canada, so I've begun looking for full time work.  This is a long and difficult process as I am attempting to maneuver a career change.  Career change from what?  Well, being as I had gotten sick in University and felt that I was unable to get the support I needed and so flunked out of my courses, when I returned home (eventually) after a manic phase, to a very small town I was presented with very few employment options.  As such I took employment where I could: a Wal-Mart.  I worked there for a while before having another manic phase taking me to another state where I began to work, again, in retail.  This became who I was professionally and so I was left with feeling as though I could do nothing else.  I moved to yet another small town where the only place to really work was either Wal-Mart or a grocery store.  I decided to change things up and worked for the grocer.

So, where does this tie in with what my career change is?  As you could have guessed, I am trying desperately to get out of the retail business.  My interview is actually with an inbound call centre for a larger telecommunications company.  Not ideal, but I stand a good chance (I feel) of getting this work full time work.

Also of note on this front is since volunteering here at an alternative high school I've developed strong connections with people and have networked extensively allowing many additional opportunities to develop such as working in the day camps, or other positions.  Which is towards my ultimate career goal.

I play video games, board games, and pen and paper role-playing games in my spare time.  I usually try to take as many people as I can along for those rides, because they are more fun in groups.  Which seems opposite of my social anxiety, but that is a story for another time.  I have been learning HTML, CSS, and JavaScript in my spare time.  I'm doing this because of a program I found a while ago that allows the user to use the before mentioned languages, as well as it's own markup language, to write choose your own adventure stories/games.

I am happily married, and have been married longer than I've been seeking treatment.  More importantly than that is the fact that I have a great support system here that includes feeling as though I am making a difference in the world, friends and family here, as well as hobbies to keep me busy.  I try not to miss days, though I was incredibly sick with the flu for a few days last year and had to miss.  I have been told that I am "doing better than expected," whatever that is supposed to mean.

That's not to say my life is normal, I don't/can't drink nearly as much as I used to because of my medications.  I have to make sure my schedule is followed, my pills are taken, and other things to ensure my continued success.  I'm not perfect on any of those fronts, I've been known to stay up too late, miss days of medications, and the like.  I am better than I used to be for sure.  But no, I do not "seem" bi polar.  Because I am more than that, I am a complete individual with unique interests, goals, and abilities, just like everyone else.

I just happen to have an illness that sometimes causes issues in my life.  The point I think I am trying to make here is, we (people with mental health issues), are more than stereotypes and bit roles.  We aren't crazy (in the way people assume we are), we aren't ax murderers, or drooling messes.  By and large we are normal, everyday people, and the person you work with may have a serious mental illness such as schizophrenia, or bi polar, and you'd never know.  The more we we break the stigma, the more we openly talk about these things, the better as a whole our world will become.

So, what does it mean for you to be you?  How do you define yourself?  Any thoughts, I'd love to hear from you out there!  Until next time.
--JJM

More thoughts on news media and mental health.

     I was talking to my wife the other night about violent crime and mental illness.  She thinks that a person’s mental health issues can be pertinent to a crime; that people want to know why it has happened and that if a person who committed these crimes has a mental health issue it gives light to a possible reason as to why it happened.  I think that this is true to a certain extent, but I maintain that without asking the person why they committed the crime there is no knowing the true reason as to why they have done so.  We both agreed that the news media needs to portray more positives in the mental health community to promote the idea that people living with a mental health condition are just normal people, just as much as those who live with other health conditions.

     It is a tricky position to be in.  Admitting to the world you have any kind of invisible illness invites skepticism, if not worse.  On top of that, there are the sorts of discrimination that people with mental illness must always face.  Not everyone is strong enough to admit their condition, nor should they be forced to.  I fear that the media will always focus on the negative things that those who suffer with mental illness must face and ignoring the serious strength and courage that it takes to continue on in the face of the, sometimes great, adversity that they live with.

     We do not face this alone, however.  We often have allies, a loved one, a dear friend, or perhaps even a complete stranger.  These allies should take a more active role, if they can.  There are advocacy groups such as NAMI, but I do hope that more “ordinary” people stand up for those they know who live with these types of conditions such that the media would have a hard time making them out to be the villains they may not even truly be.

     I am not entirely sure how to go about ending the vilification that those who must live with a mental illness must sometimes face, but I do know that we cannot do it alone.  So I suppose I am calling out to others who live with, know someone who lives with, or is just a general ally of those who must face these challenges (often alone), to come to attention and speak up on behalf of those who may not be able to speak up for themselves.

     So, if you could do something to help end this form of discrimination, what would it be?

--JJM

Ending discrimination against mental illness.

     We are conditioned to fear those with a mental illness.  I remember, even in a group of other people who live with such conditions, the fear associated with a young man who laughed and talked to himself.  There was no reason for anyone to be afraid of him, yet many in the community did.  They feared he was “crazy” or at least “crazier” than they were.  They thought he was going to snap at any moment.  He was, as I remember him, gentle and very friendly.

     Why are we so prejudiced against those with a mental health condition?  I’ve mentioned before, but it needs repeating, the media is largely to blame.  Not just news media, but also film and literature as well.  We are bombarded with images of violent people who are mentally ill.  Perhaps a so called “psycho-killer” or some other stereotype that has existed for so terribly long; perhaps some person popping their medications to make the bad things go away.  When a violent crime is committed, the news media is very quick to find a sort of mental illness to blame away the violent behaviour.  Something near 25% of the adult population suffers from some sort of mental health condition.  It certainly stands to reason that a portion of violent criminals may indeed be seeking treatment for an illness, but is that really pertinent to why the crime was committed?  Is it important to mention if the shooter were diabetic or on blood pressure medications?

     Why does the news focus on such a singular aspect?  I wonder if it makes it more palatable; being able to turn the event into “us versus them,” the sane, versus the insane.  The simple truth of the matter is when undergoing proper treatment those with a mental health issue are not any more likely to commit a crime than any other person.  Likewise, today’s society is biased against those with such an illness and tends to turn them into victims themselves.  Over simplifications, stereotypes, and false information lead to the vilification of those with a mental health condition.

     It is precisely these stereotypes that cause shame and fear in openly discussing mental health concerns.  Those that suffer are afraid to speak up, and those who do not know better are afraid to ask at the risk of incurring wrath and ire.  As someone with a mental health condition, I understand the importance of being patient and kind in my dealings with those who simply do not understand, but equal consideration must be given.  That is, do not be shocked if the answer you get is not the one you expected.  Be patient with the person’s response.  They simply may not be ready to talk about it.  However, both parties must be willing to discuss these matters.

     It is a problem world over that an employer would hold in higher importance the mental health of a person over their physical health.  In the United States, at least, there is a provision that reasonable accommodations may be requested by the employee in doing their job.  What is often the case is that they mean accommodations for physical limitations may be requested, but mental limitations are met with skepticism because they are “in the person’s head.”  The only thing that should matter is “can this person, with reasonable help, do this job?”

     What can we do about it?  As a whole we can stand up for those too timid to stand up themselves.  Contact news stations to ask what purpose did mentioning mental health serve in an article.  Don’t watch films that portray the mentally ill in a negative and exaggerated light.  Do not go to these Halloween haunted asylum attractions, and write in protest of them.  Those with mental health issues can strive to be shining examples whenever and however they can.  They can be open to questions, and try hard not to be offended by ignorance.  Remember that they are just trying to understand.  Those in entertainment can stand up and refuse to allow such stereotypes to be perpetuated.  Make a stand and have mental illness cast in a realistic light for a change.  Together we can end the discrimination against those with mental health conditions.

--JJM

My experiences with shame and stigma.

     Many, if not all, of us have experienced some sort of stigma at a point in our lives.  Before getting into the stigma I have faced let me say that I know exactly how privileged I am.  All in all, I’ve had a pretty good life.  That being said I am going to talk about my experience with stigma as it pertains to mental health issues.

      What is stigma?  For those that don’t have a good idea about what stigma actually is, it is a negative stereotype.  It often trivializes those that it stereotypes, belittling them.  It also usually offends them, and patronizes them.  If it does any of those things, chances are it is an example of stigma.  I would say that stigma comes from assumptions.  When we make assumptions we run the risk of stigmatizing people.

     Growing up there was nothing specific I can remember being said against those with mental health issues.  There was certainly something in the air in general though.  The media is steeped with stereotypes against those that suffer with mental health issues.  Perhaps that is where I learned that there was something wrong with something being wrong.  At any rate, I learned two things: getting help is not something a man does, and medication is only for when there is something you can’t fix on your own.

     As my life progressed and I needed help I didn’t even know how to ask for it.  It was offered, but I couldn’t accept it.  When I was in the hospital for the first time my own assumptions about what those with mental health issues crept into the open and didn’t allow me to get the help I desperately needed.  I thought to myself “these people are crazy, I don’t belong here, I’m normal.”  After getting out of the hospital I was given tremendously bad advice by those who didn’t understand, didn’t want to understand, or had a skewed perspective on what was going on with me.

     I think they were honestly trying to help, but were of a generation that had less of a grasp on mental health than I did.  I think the biggest issue was everyone simply not talking about what was going on.  There was something wrong with me; others claimed it was just weakness.  There was shame, shame in disappointing others, shame in not being able to look others in the eye with confidence.  I remember feeling so broken.

     I didn’t know how to talk about what was going on with me.  This caused me to run.  I tried to run as far and as fast from everyone I knew, and when my issues flared up my first instinct was to run.  This caused many failed relationships.  Not just romantic, but friendships and familial relationships were ruined.  I was so afraid of being judged harshly and part of me felt it wasn’t their business.  I could handle my own affairs solely.  This always ultimately led to isolation.  If I was alone, I couldn’t be judged.  That seemed like the best course of action.

     It wasn’t until I entered the work force that I fully understood what type of discrimination I could face for having bipolar and being hospitalized.  I remember the shame I felt immediately after my latest (and hopefully last) suicide attempt.  There was nothing but shame in my eyes.  I feared that I would lose my job.  I learned shortly thereafter that another employee was demoted for being on antidepressants that were supposedly causing her to make mistakes.  I worked in retail, which in and of itself is not forgiving of any missed time, and every time I needed to call off I was so afraid I was going to lose my job that I desperately needed.

     I was ashamed and told white lies to coworkers so that they would not know what had happened regarding my hospitalization and my continued instability.  I was afraid that they would treat me differently.  I was afraid of the discrimination I would face.

     One particular instance I remember was talking with my therapist about doing work that I found fulfilling, and I had said that when I worked the customer service desk I felt more as though I were doing something that mattered because I made people happy.  My therapist had suggested that I get a note from my psychiatrist stating that I could only work the desk.  When I turned it in I was met with overwhelming opposition.  The request was seen as unreasonable in that it was more stressful and harder work therefore it made no sense that I should have such a request.

     I was so careful about what I said to anyone about why I was only behind the desk and of course made it a point to hide anything going on with me.  I couldn’t always hide, of course.

     Eventually a local relocation forced me to leave that particular store and part of me really wonders if the reason I had such a hard time finding work (I didn’t), while I was still in the state, had to do with receiving a negative review by my previous place of employment.  For some reason I was even denied a transfer to a local store that was within walking distance.

     It was not until recently that I have fully embraced what is going on and realizing that there is discrimination against those with mental health issues and that the only way for that to end is for people to stand up and publicly state what is going on with them.  That being said, I am trying very hard to correct people when they make a discriminatory statement and be more open about my own issues.

    So, how about you?  What are your experiences with stigma?  Have any stories or anecdotes about discrimination?  Share them in the comments below if you feel comfortable.  Let’s get a dialog going on this, shall we?

--JJM

Labels and allowing yourself to become an illness.

     Is it really useful to have a label to apply to yourself, especially in the context with a disorder or illness?  While many people who have a mental health diagnosis eventually move past this label, it can be hard for some to accept that they are more than their diagnosis.  I know one individual that relates every experience they have to their diagnosis.  They have self-imposed this sort of rigid set of definitions upon themselves such that everything that occurs does so because of their illness.  Partly, in their case, it is done because that is all they have known.  However, many people who have lived a “normal” life before being forced to live with a diagnosis adhere to this same behavior.

     Though I have spoken on the issue of being more than just a list of symptoms, it needs repeating that when professionals reduce us to a series of symptoms and responses; we begin to adhere to this view.  I agree it is nice to be able to identify what is wrong and be able to give it a name, but there is a subtle difference between the sayings “I am bipolar” and “I have bipolar.”  Replace any other health condition with bipolar and see how the statements stand up.  “I am a cold.”  “I have a cold.”  “I am diabetes.”  “I have diabetes.”

     Why is it that so many people are taught to think the former?  They begin to see everything they do as a symptom.  I have often seen people who think they should have no affect.  If they begin to get agitated they immediately say that they need a medication adjustment.  I, personally, am on the opposite end of this spectrum and have refused to see that my medication did need to be changed.  Often medications are given that can reduce a person to next to no discernible personality.  I was on a particular medication for over a year.  This medication sedated me, robbed me of my ability to speak clearly, and made me a different person.  I was on this medication since before my psychiatrist, therapist, or psychosocial rehabilitation facilitators knew me and therefore assumed that this was the way I was supposed to be.

     Sure my symptoms were gone, and I thought that was all that mattered, so I put up with the side effects.  I assumed that putting up with not having a personality was my curse for having a mental illness.  As such I boxed myself into a checklist of symptoms and noticed I had none of them and assumed I was doing well.  To my psychiatrist my symptoms were gone, and that was good enough.  If I was feeling sedated, I should split my dose.  If I was feeling lethargic, it was due to a lack of exercise, not the medication.  The medication was working.  I became my illness such that all I could think of was reducing my symptoms through medication.

     Medication is a very important aspect of mental health recovery.  Ever since switching my medication I have become a “new” person.  That is, I became the person I was before being diagnosed.  They found the right medications for me, and did so fairly quickly.  For some people, this process takes years.  I got lucky.  However, medications are not the be-all end-all.  To medicate your symptoms away and not allow yourself the freedom to experience life is allowing your diagnosis to rule your life.  Realize that there is a lot of work and “personal medicine” to be used in conjunction with psychiatric medication.

     Please do not wish away every emotion.  Be anxious, be sad, and be a little excitable from time to time.  However if you truly feel off, perhaps a medication discussion is in order.   It just should not be the first place to jump to.  If a situation makes you anxious, popping a pill to relieve the anxiety will just reinforce the notion that when anxious a pill makes it better.  Sure, for some people this may be the only course of action.  I would fashion that many people can learn to overcome their anxiety much like any other phobia.  

--JJM