"You don't seem bi polar."

Not so long ago these words were said to me.

I felt like asking "What does a person with bi polar disorder seem like?"  I, however, didn't.  I'm not even sure what was meant by the comment.  I pondered what it could have meant.  Maybe missing more days where I volunteer, maybe doing "obviously crazy" things.  So, I am going to talk about who I am as a person to demonstrate what it actually means to be bi polar.

I just recently attained my permanent residency in Canada, so I've begun looking for full time work.  This is a long and difficult process as I am attempting to maneuver a career change.  Career change from what?  Well, being as I had gotten sick in University and felt that I was unable to get the support I needed and so flunked out of my courses, when I returned home (eventually) after a manic phase, to a very small town I was presented with very few employment options.  As such I took employment where I could: a Wal-Mart.  I worked there for a while before having another manic phase taking me to another state where I began to work, again, in retail.  This became who I was professionally and so I was left with feeling as though I could do nothing else.  I moved to yet another small town where the only place to really work was either Wal-Mart or a grocery store.  I decided to change things up and worked for the grocer.

So, where does this tie in with what my career change is?  As you could have guessed, I am trying desperately to get out of the retail business.  My interview is actually with an inbound call centre for a larger telecommunications company.  Not ideal, but I stand a good chance (I feel) of getting this work full time work.

Also of note on this front is since volunteering here at an alternative high school I've developed strong connections with people and have networked extensively allowing many additional opportunities to develop such as working in the day camps, or other positions.  Which is towards my ultimate career goal.

I play video games, board games, and pen and paper role-playing games in my spare time.  I usually try to take as many people as I can along for those rides, because they are more fun in groups.  Which seems opposite of my social anxiety, but that is a story for another time.  I have been learning HTML, CSS, and JavaScript in my spare time.  I'm doing this because of a program I found a while ago that allows the user to use the before mentioned languages, as well as it's own markup language, to write choose your own adventure stories/games.

I am happily married, and have been married longer than I've been seeking treatment.  More importantly than that is the fact that I have a great support system here that includes feeling as though I am making a difference in the world, friends and family here, as well as hobbies to keep me busy.  I try not to miss days, though I was incredibly sick with the flu for a few days last year and had to miss.  I have been told that I am "doing better than expected," whatever that is supposed to mean.

That's not to say my life is normal, I don't/can't drink nearly as much as I used to because of my medications.  I have to make sure my schedule is followed, my pills are taken, and other things to ensure my continued success.  I'm not perfect on any of those fronts, I've been known to stay up too late, miss days of medications, and the like.  I am better than I used to be for sure.  But no, I do not "seem" bi polar.  Because I am more than that, I am a complete individual with unique interests, goals, and abilities, just like everyone else.

I just happen to have an illness that sometimes causes issues in my life.  The point I think I am trying to make here is, we (people with mental health issues), are more than stereotypes and bit roles.  We aren't crazy (in the way people assume we are), we aren't ax murderers, or drooling messes.  By and large we are normal, everyday people, and the person you work with may have a serious mental illness such as schizophrenia, or bi polar, and you'd never know.  The more we we break the stigma, the more we openly talk about these things, the better as a whole our world will become.

So, what does it mean for you to be you?  How do you define yourself?  Any thoughts, I'd love to hear from you out there!  Until next time.
--JJM

Visiting with my in-laws.

     Yesterday I spent the afternoon and evening with my in-laws.  Do not get me wrong, I love them dearly and enjoy their company.  However, these visits fill me with fear most times.  I worry what I should talk about, and worry that I will run out of things to say.  Because of this I often sit silently and passively.

     Meal time is particularly stressful.  I am not used to the concept of multiple forks and the like.  I grew up where there was only one fork, and you ate everything with it.  When the meal starts and the salad is served I have to look and see which fork everyone else is using.  On the note of salads, I worry that the lettuce on my fork is going to come off the tip slightly and spring open forcing me to take more than a mouthful of salad at once.

     This visit was especially rough.  My wife went over information from her childhood and shared stories about growing up.  Under the best of circumstances I don’t remember much of my childhood, and the parts I do remember are suggested by other people and are subject to bias.  Perhaps it was our frequent moves, bad memory, or some other force.  The few memories I have of my childhood are good, though far between.  To compound difficulties precious little remains of my childhood.  This made it somewhat difficult to hear her memories, even the “bad” ones.

     Though I am, by and large, not sentimental I do find myself wishing I had more details on growing up.  I remember things in fragments up until my early adolescence and know that it could not be any kind of medication issue because I failed to remember before I was on medication.  This disconnect between my life and my memories makes me slightly jealous of those with ready access to their past.

     I know my parents love me, and I do hope they know that I love them; the distance between us is so great that I have found a sort of surrogacy with my in-laws and constantly worry that my parents think that I have replaced them.  As much as I love my in-laws, I often feel as though I do not fit in with them, and I feel incredibly disconnected from my own family.  Thus it feels as though I have only my wife in my family.

     Feeling alone in a room full of people is hard; it is a feeling that many of us have had from time to time.  I know in my heart that they all care for me, but my head tends to disagree.  I constantly fear rejection, judgment, and ridicule.  I feel as though I’ve been rejected too many times and therefore keep myself closely guarded.

     What kinds of social situations do you find stressful?  How do/did you cope with them?

--JJM