On top of bipolar
I also have social anxiety disorder. I
would like to think that my case is much more mild than most, however it still
greatly affects my life. Social anxiety
disorder is also known as social phobia and it can strike anyone. People like to think of those sufferers as
just being shy or introverted, but the reality of it is far worse than
that. Many, including myself, worry
about everything we say or have said.
Often those who live with this type of anxiety practice what we are going
to say or do many times before actually doing it.
I know I try to
“predict” how a conversation is going to go.
I often guess at what someone is going to say before they say it so I
can work on how I would respond. I am
often wrong and it leaves me in an awkward situation where I have no idea how I
am supposed to respond. This leads to
one of two things, either I don’t say anything, or I say what I perceive as the
“wrong thing.” Both of these are
problematic. If I don’t say anything I
assume people with think I am smug or that I am uninteresting. These feed into issues of self-worth and
confidence. If I say the so-called wrong
thing, I call myself stupid for saying it.
If I am not
trying to predict the conversation then I simply trip over my words. My mouth works faster than my brain can edit
and something strange comes out, if anything at all. Again, these are my perceptions of how I
sound and feed into a sort of depressive mood where I “beat myself up.” It is often the case that social anxiety and
depression occur within the same person.
My other problem
is, perhaps, smug. I simply don’t care
what someone else is actually saying. I
don’t mean if they are saying something important or interesting, I mean when a
stranger on the bus starts talking about the weather. I don’t care.
I don’t understand so-called small talk.
It confuses me beyond belief. People
rarely say what they mean, they rarely say anything important, but in order to
fit in with society you have to play the social game.
I have often
asked others, many in mental health professions, what the purpose of small talk
is and they have no answer except that it leads to other conversations. I don’t understand why people can’t just
start with real conversation, or at least enjoy the silence. If you jump right to the “meat” of a
conversation before it is appropriate you are considered to have committed a
faux pas.
Another problem
that I know I have is not answering questions correctly. I don’t mean factually correct, I mean
adhering to the letter of a question not the spirit of it. For instance if you ask me how my day went
there is a huge chance you will get the answer “fine,” and that’s it. I have been informed that the spirit of that
particular question is actually a series of implied questions such as “did
anything interesting happen?” “How are
you feeling after your day? (How is your
mood today?)” “What happened in general
during your day?” “Why did your day go
the way it did?”
I rarely answer
my phone, even if it is my therapist confirming my appointment, and just wait
and check my messages. This is similar
to how I deal with knocks at my door. I
tend to not answer, or oddly enough, I feel obligated to answer and listen to
what the solicitor has to say to the fullest and then feel guilty about saying
no.
Facets of social
anxiety make it hard for me to say no. I
feel that if I say no, or voice a contrary opinion I won’t be liked. Being liked is very important; even though I
like to say that I don’t care what people think about me, if I know they don’t
like me it does hurt.
I used to be far
worse than I am now. Since moving to Toronto I have been
seeing a CBT (Cognitive
Behavioural Therapy) therapist. There I
have started to learn to live in the moment and try not to predict how a
conversation is going to go. I am also
learning to be more assertive and to stand up for myself. I’ve learned about separating thoughts from
feelings, and many other useful tools.
While CBT may not be for everyone, it has certainly
helped me.
You are more than
welcome to share your thoughts and/or experiences on social anxiety disorder in
the comments below.
--JJM
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