Support Mental Health Awareness

     So tomorrow Bell (In Canada) is doing a thing to support mental health awareness and to reduce stigma.  I'm not sure how that works internationally but for each tweet using the #BellLetsTalk hashtag, or Facebook share of their image with generate a five cent donation to Canadian mental health initiatives.

     More information can be found here.  I mention this only because there is a somewhat significant portion of views generated from CA so I thought I would spread the knowledge.

     I also found their End The Stigma page interesting.  Though the figures and statistics are for Canada, I would imagine they hold fairly close to US figures.  I found some of the statements quite shocking, and considering Canada is considered to be far more progressive than the US I shudder to think what they may be like.  For instance "Only 49% of Canadians said they would socialize with a friend who has a serious mental illness."  --Canadian Medical Association

     That number may be higher in the US, and from what I’ve experienced, likely is. Why can't the US do something like this to help raise awareness?  Or do they and I've just somehow missed it?

     At any rate, we should show some solidarity for our brothers to the north who suffer, or know those who suffer and support them tomorrow.   I know I will.

--JJM

More than a list of symptoms

     There are many things that I hate about being mentally ill.  One of the worst would have to be being nothing more than the label of your diagnosis.  This is a common thing that a lot of friends, family members, or anyone who doesn’t understand what it is like to do.  What do I mean?  Let’s say you’re bipolar.  You get angry at someone and the other person throws your illness in your face and declares that you’re acting “crazy again” or that you must be manic.

     

     If you have a bad day and don’t feel like talking about it, people assume you are depressed just because you have a diagnosis of depression.  You can’t even be allowed to be sad for fear of others attempting to label you as symptomatic.  And even if you start to become slightly symptomatic they blow it out of the water as though you were currently on your way out the door naked with a cactus in one hand and lipstick in the other.

      

     They feel as though if you can’t function properly when you are fully symptomatic any sign of anything outside of neutrality must be met with the taking away of car keys, credit cards, or whatever the issue is.  Our illness is thrown in our face at the slightest upset of the water, cramming us into a tight corner where we are no longer allowed to freely express ourselves.  We have two settings, as it would seem, neutral and crazy.

      

     Don’t do that please.  Realize that we are more than just an illness, more than a set of symptoms to be on the lookout for.  We appreciate that you care enough to look for the warning signs, we really do.  Sometimes that’s all we really want is for someone to care.  But we aren’t just robots; we have range of emotion and may even act in a way that is suspect for a few hours.

      

     Remember that a “normal” person has all kinds of reactions to all kinds of stimuli, some appropriate, some inappropriate.  We, by and large, already feel stressed about our illnesses.  If we are angry, we may lash.  We aren’t being histrionic or manic, if we are upset or sad we may cry, that does not mean we are not depressed.  We don’t need to be reminded of our illness, we want to feel normal.

      

     So what would I suggest doing?  Watch behavior for a few days and notice patterns forming over the course of a few days.  If we cry after a bad day at work, that’s fine.  If we cry after a bad day at work and then refuse to get up the next morning there might be a problem.  Allow us a full day of behavior (so long as it isn’t obviously harmful to anyone) to readjust.

      

     While I have singled out those close to us, I have seen this kind of thing from more professional people.  My therapist asks me if I have trouble sleeping for even a single night if I’m manic.  If I say I spent the weekend curled up watching Star Trek, she says I must be depressed.  While sometimes we may not be the best judge of how we feel, we certainly don’t like being told how we feel any more than any other person does.

      

     Again, we do appreciate people looking out for us, and sure sometimes we need that gentle reminder that we may be off kilter, but give us time to even out on our own, we will respect those times when you do remind us all the more.

--JJM

I would just like to thank you all.

     I checked my page view statistics this morning, and all I can say is “wow!”  Though no one is commenting people are reading, which is more than I had ever hoped for.

     Thank you all so much for reading.  I will post again later this afternoon with something of substance.

--JJM

Dealing with being social and the anxiety it produces.

     I am told that I am the life of the party when I give myself the chance.  A large part of me wishes to attribute this to hypo-mania caused by my bipolar disorder.  While it is true that within a small circle of trusted people I can be quite outgoing and vocal I am not without severe anxiety about it.  Why do I have to be nervous if these people are in my trusted circle?  I worry that I talk too much, I worry that they think I think I'm smarter than they are, I worry they don't care about what I have to say.  On top of that, I worry if what I'm saying is wrong, either factually or contextually.  I worry that they are going to ask me something personal.
     On that note, I don't feel as though my life is important enough for other people to actually care about.  I feel uncomfortable when people take an interest in my life, my words, or anything that I do.  Compliments are the ultimate crippling Mortal Kombat "fatality."  I feel undeserving of praise and do not understand why people praise either me or my actions.  All of these feelings are experienced when interacting with close friends; please try to understand their intensification when these social situations involve complete (or relative) strangers.
     I don't understand such things as flirting, or small talk.  I have no idea what purpose they serve, how to conduct them, or respond when people use them (most noticeably small talk) on me.  I don't care about the weather, or how some sports team is doing.  I don't care about what most people say.  Though I pay attention and listen as though my life depended on it I find myself going into my own world just a few moments after a conversation starts--unless of course it holds my interests.  I know that these things aren't fair to the person speaking to me, and I wonder if they feel the same way about what I say.
     So how do I function in the world?  I fake it.  I make an effort to remember what everyone says and take the offensive and don't give them a chance to ask me questions.  I use puns, oh how I use the puns.  While it is true you can't have your level of anxiety be at a constant high all the time, certainly my baseline is quite high.  The irony is, the more social I seem, the more high strung I actually am.  Interestingly enough the larger the group the less anxious I appear to become.  I tutor individually and it drives me up the walls, but when I do larger group sessions I find my anxiety lessening.
     Of course, no one can be surrounded by a large group of people to talk to all the time and it would be arrogant to even want that.  All I want is to feel as though I belong, that I spend less time worrying about all the details of social interaction and just interact.  For me, this seems next to impossible.  I want to talk about determinism, free will, the nature of reality; I want to not have to watch which words to say.
     I was told that I would be missed once I moved to Toronto, I don't believe them.  I don't understand why they would miss me.  Surely they can get the same interaction from someone else, why me?  Why am I considered so special?
     I am told to have more confidence in myself, that there is a distinct difference between how I see myself and how the world sees me.  That people want a confident person, but I think any person gets uncomfortable at any point in a social situation.  Some people get uncomfortable speaking in public, others at a party, the important thing like anything is to put yourself out there and be uncomfortable.  It passes.  I am reminded of the Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear (From Dune):  "I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
     Easier said than done but I have been told the benefits from not being timid and fearful are worth it.

--JJM

Struggilng with Technology

     I grew up around computers.  At thirty, I am one of the first generations that can say they grew up with home computers and the internet ("mid" Generation Y).  My family, specifically my father, insisted that I learn how to use them, learn typing skills, learn HTML, learn what they considered the "basics."  I did.  I spent the entirety of the 90's on the internet and learned the rules of etiquette.  Of course, at the time there were basically only chat-rooms, bbs, and some forums to "worry" about.  And they basically had all the same rules.
     I have always had the hardest time with social interaction, as can be seen on this post, even online I was awkward.  The good thing about the internet is that chat-rooms  and whatnot had such rules as "Try to say 'hi' to newcomers and make them feel welcome."  You could always sit back and observe what was going on in the digital world and get an idea how to behave and not seem like the creeper you would be in real life.  It helped that the internet was fairly new to most people, and they remembered a time when they too knew nothing, or worse, there were no rules!  I was on Open Diary for the longest time (from about 1999 to 2003, and then again in 2006-2007, and again in until 2010), which is like a protoplast for modern blogs with a real sense of community.  Even that had rules that you needed to learn, and language too.
     Some internet language was easy to pick up because it could be reasoned and picked up in context.  Also, in the 90s there was very little ridicule for those who didn't know what LOL meant.  Perhaps I got old, perhaps I got rusty, but the internet is a very strange and frightening place any more.  I recently signed up for Twitter and am completely lost.  Tagging people?  Hashtags?  I'm not even sure what Twitter is supposed to be for, or how to properly use it.  Making it worse is the fact that since it is already so established it is hard for newcomers to get a handle on it.  Or at least that is what I find.  I don't even like the idea of Twitter really.  How is limiting what you have to say to 140 characters useful?  It takes me that long to say virtually anything!  Trying to meet new people via Twitter--how exactly is that supposed to be done? 
     And it's not just Twitter, there is Digg, G+, Facebook, Reddit, Tumblr, so many communities with their own language, their own sets of rules for behavior.  It makes it hard for people to know, without research, what to do.
     Even worse is that as more and more people have the internet there seems to be the trend of people becoming internet elitists and openly mock those who perform faux pas on their social media site of choice.  Since when did this become common practice, and where was I?  Yes, there is plenty of information out there on these sorts of things available online.  What happened to good old fashion human interaction though?  Do you like sorting through menu after menu on the telephone trying to sort out your problem, or do you want to speak to a live person?
     So aside from attending workshops that make you feel old and incapable, what other ways are there to learn every exploding communities and how to properly use them?  I certainly am not so old that I should be so out of touch with the digital.
--JJM

Depression

     We all get sad from time to time, and it is often justified.  When someone we love dies, when a major change for the worse occurs, these are normal times to be "depressed."  What makes the difference between melancholy and depression?  Is it length of symptoms?  Depth of depression?  Speaking from experience on the subject I feel it is a combination of the two.  I was mildly depressed with no sign of a break for the better part of a year.  It actually surprised people to find out that I was bipolar not major depressive disorder.  What did this do to me?  It was like having a flu for six months straight.

      Every muscle in my body aching, straining to get out of bed in the morning, going to work and feeling nothing but pain.  That, of course, puts you on edge and you have to work extra hard not to take out your agitation on them.  This is a feat that requires being able to tell why you are upset, knowing why when you are triggered you behave the way you do--and that why you think you are angry may not even be really why you are angry.

     Walking that emotional tight-rope when you are already feeling fractured and fragile is no minor task taking what little energy you had to work with and using it so you are left completely raw and exposed with no choice but seek shelter as a hermit crab does.

     Perhaps this is why sleep tends to become so disrupted.  Though I have heard of depression causing insomnia in some people it is my experience that the opposite is true (for myself and those I know who suffer from any illness with a depressive swing).  You choose to sleep--not only to refuel your energy, which while depressed is next to impossible to begin with--to remove yourself from the emotional circus you are ill prepared to deal with.  If you are sleeping you can't become agitated at people, you don't have to put on a tough face and pretend to be strong, you can simply escape your thoughts.

     So then, what advice to I give those attempting to help those who sleep all day, who isolate, who are depressed?  Do try and get them out of bed, if even only to check the mail, if only to watch a TV show with you.  Realize, also, that they can't "snap out of it," or "get with the program."  They are broken, and it takes time to heal.  Remember that they may not be up for an extended period of time, and even if you get them out of the house for a (small) outing, they may not be "there."  Don't force the issue--it is good enough that they are out of the house.  Sleeping is the worst, watching TV all day is pretty bad, going out absently is better, being present in a moment outside of the home is best.

     I recall when I was in college and out of the hospital for the first time I refused to leave my dorm room for anything except to sneak out at awkward times to feed myself when absolutely needed.  My hall mates were genuinely good people and forced me out of my room on several occasions, I kicked, I screamed, (not literally).  I was in my own world when I was out, but I was out.  Being surrounded by people who cared, and showed that they cared, eventually made me want to open up to them about my feelings.  They never forced the issue, and only made me as uncomfortable as I needed to be in order to be safe.

     Love them like a friend, but remember, someone with depression can be as easy to grasp as a greased weasel.
--JJM

My experiences with paranoia and hallucianations.

     So sometimes I have issues with paranoia and hearing voices.  This comes from my disorder, what is it really like and how does it impact my life?  Usually there is no impact whatsoever, however last night it reduced the amount of sleep I was able to get.  I went to bed around midnight (which is quite late for me), and woke up around 2:30am.  The reason?  I though there was someone in the house.  This is a common thing for me to think in the middle of the night.  As I was attempting to fall back asleep I was hearing someone calling my name, again, fairly common.

     There is no "checking" the voices, other than the fact that as of right now there is no one that would be calling my name.  It is barely audible, just above a murmur.  However, the sensation that I am not alone in the house is exacerbated by the notion that I have three cats, and two of them are quite rambunctious.  They make noise in the night, often a lot of noise.  This jolts me up in a panic, thinking someone has broken in and I am in danger.  It's hard to calm down sometimes, especially if I have been having nightmares or sleep paralysis.

     The only thing I can (and do) do is get a head count and investigate sounds.  This is not something easy for me, yet I force myself to do it.  It is quite common to be uneasy in the night when strange noises arise.  Is this the only example of my, admittedly mild, paranoia?  No.  I have a classic and hilarious example.

     Late this past fall I was playing Minecraft, a game I enjoy in spurts.  For those of you not familiar with the format of their release model I shall explain.  The game is "done," however they continue to add features on a near weekly basis with a version update every few months.  In a previous update they added bats.  I had not played for several months and forgot completely that they had added bats and their sound effects.  As I was playing I heard a squeaking noise.  I was convinced I had mice.  I tore apart the house looking for evidence of mice.  It wasn't until I muted the computer and really paid attention to what was on the screen that it dawned on me.  Bats.

     To this very day I get paranoid that there are mice and/or rats in the house.  Sometimes the quick fluid movement of a cat makes me quite sure that they are a large rat.  This is how it works.  I also get paranoid/anxious when it comes to people, especially strangers.  Someone delivering ads for restaurants came to my door and put an ad in my screen door.  I was so worried he was going to knock and I would have to talk to him.  I didn't leave my house for half a week.
--JJM

To a friend.

     Is it possible to be happy in a moment without the need to chase the moment and capture it endlessly?  Is it even necessary?  It is okay to relish in a moment, allow its warmth to pass over you—through you—at and the end be alone in the memory of the moment.  We capture fireflies in jars so we can enjoy their splendor, but too soon they die and we are left with sadness that they are gone when if we had just had the magical encounter we would have the memories of its wonderfulness.

     If we live our lives purely by emotion we run the risk of needlessly hurting ourselves.  Emotion without mindfulness is just as bad as a man who thinks too much and never “follows his heart.”  Both can lead to missed opportunities, or regrets with choices that have been made.  Chemically it is true that the flame that burns hottest burns fastest, but such flames quickly run out of fuel—or else get so out of control that they destroy everything around them.  Passion is just as dangerous as it is wonderful.

     This completely ignores a more cynical approach wherein happiness is just neurons firing and chemicals bonding.  With what measure to we protect this notion that happiness can be eternal?  Much as a stone cast into a pond will create a great cloud of mud that obscures vision and frightens the fish so too does a fiery encounter that leaves one speechless with wonder.  It is far better to allow the pond to settle to inspect the stone—to see if it was worth the great commotion that was caused.

     By no means am I saying that passion has no part in life.  Merely, allowing ones passions to consume their essence is a frightful thing.  A wheel is such a simple device, pure in its design.  How efficient is the wheel if it is oblong?  Square?  Triangular?  As the design becomes less, well, rounded, it loses its ability to function as it should.  Zeal is the type of emotion that is best used for, well, rushing ahead and getting lost in the woods of emotion and then the job is finding yourself in that forest.

     So to that I ultimately say sometimes it is best to allow an emotion to wash over you without washing you away with it, to stay anchored and yet enjoy the emotion for what it is.  A zoo is a poor replacement for the wilds.

--JJM