A darker time than usual.

I don't want to alarm anyone, but I'm struggling right now and I don't know why.  I post a lot of more positive things usually, however that does not mean my life is all sunshine and rainbows.  As a matter of fact, most days it is a numbing grey sensation.  Right now seems a bit darker than usual though.  I can't quite put my finger on it.  The sensation for harming myself is high, and with each passing day it gets higher.  Don't panic, I've already told people and have plans in place to ensure my safety.  I'd like to take this time to talk about these urges though.

These urges have come with an increase in nightmares and closed eye hallucinations.  What do I see when I close my eyes?  Random patterns of light at first, then flashes of images that I can't control, usually disturbing in nature.  This leads to me not getting restful sleep, which in turn leads to depression.

Currently however I am experiencing a mixed state.  Which is when I am experiencing both a high and a low all at the same time.  Which is confusing to imagine, I know, but I assure you that such a thing exists.  This makes it hard to identify what is going on with me because on the one hand I may have a lack of interest in things that I normally would, conversely I have more ambition for things that I haven't done in a while.  I also am aware that this is the time when I am most prone to actually committing suicide.  All my attempts in the past have been during mixed episodes.

I'm not sure why I'm feeling this way, or even if anything can fix it.  Maybe it is time to see about getting my medications changed.  I've thought about getting another evaluation done, because I'm thinking there's more at work that just bipolar and social anxiety disorder.  New country, new rules though, so I'm not even sure how to go about getting that done.

Or even if they will, given how long I have had this diagnosis.  Not being believed is something that bothers me.  Especially after an event that occurred about four years ago during a hospitalization.  The doctor asked me where my scars were.  If I cut, I would surely have scars.

This upset me greatly, and makes me hesitant to share my experiences honestly for fear of being judged like that again.

At any rate, I have been given the task to figure out what is wrong.  What if nothing triggered the episode and I am just chemically deprived?  I suppose that would be what is wrong.  I suppose trying to figure out how to get to a doctor is a good first step.

What do you do to help in times of darkness?  I'm looking for any suggestions you may have.  Thanks for taking the time to read.

--JJM

My experiences with sleep paralysis.

     Amongst other things, I suffer from bouts of sleep paralysis.  Sleep paralysis is when your brain wakes up before your body.  I have had many varied episodes and can give an account of them.  Firstly, my sleep paralysis occurs when I am waking up, and usually lasts somewhere between ten seconds to two or three minutes.  Those longer episodes are the more frightening (I will get to why shortly).

     Often these episodes are accompanied by hallucinations.  These can take the form of out of body experiences, feeling as though someone or something else is in the room with me, or some other vivid dream like experience.  When I am having a hallucinatory episode involving something else in the room, I am often filled with a great sense of dread, as though whatever is in the room is going to try and hurt me.  Sometimes this is accompanied by the sensation that something is on my chest making it difficult to breathe.

     While this is occurring I try to move my arms and legs but can’t.  It is as though some unseen force is pinning me down.  I usually also attempt to scream, but cannot.  The most frightening of all is when almost all of these things occur simultaneously; that feeling that something in the room is trying to harm me, while choking the life out of me, as I try to scream to no avail.

     These episodes often leave me feeling very tired for the rest of the day, and when one occurs it is very likely more will as well.  This makes napping a very “risky” choice.  If I fall asleep during the day, there is a good chance that I will have another sleep paralysis episode making me just as tired as I was before the nap.

     I do not remember having an episode until I was in my early to mid-twenties, with no particular trigger that I can remember.  This is not uncommon.  According to webMD, these episodes are supposed to be fairly common with people who suffer from mental health conditions such as anxiety, bipolar, depression, and post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).  It is also associated with some physical conditions, particularly narcolepsy and sleep apnea.  Despite all of this, by itself sleep paralysis is not considered a major debilitating condition.

     Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis?  What are your experiences with it?  Or, even better, if you’ve overcome it, how?

--JJM