“I pledge my commitment to
the Blog for Mental Health 2015 Project. I will blog about mental health topics
not only for myself, but for others. By displaying this badge, I show my pride,
dedication, and acceptance for mental health. I use this to promote mental
health education in the struggle to erase stigma.”
My mental health journey begins
at a young age. Though this information
was omitted from previous posts I only remembered it towards the middle of last
year. I remember bits and pieces of my
childhood, but I now clearly remember attempting to hang myself in the
schoolyard at the age of eight. The knot
didn’t hold and I fell before any but a few took notice, and thankfully no
teachers or other people of authority. It
should have been a great indicator that something was deeply wrong, even at
such an age.
Not much of interest
happened until I hit my teenage years.
My first hints of social anxiety and depression manifested but I still
did not seek help. Grade ten I took half
a bottle of sleeping pills. Luckily
nothing permanent happened.
When I left for University things got
out of hand. I came across the concept
of cutting. I cut myself with broken
glass and exacto-knives. That was when
the police were called and I was given the choice of signing myself into the
hospital, or being forced into one. I
chose the former. I was diagnosed as
bipolar.
That was in
2003. The hospital was a scary place for
me. I didn’t feel at all as though I
belonged there and fought hard to get out.
By that I mean I did everything I was told and told the doctors exactly
what they wanted to hear, and immediately upon seeing the doctor said I wanted
to leave. In retrospect that was not the
best idea. After getting out I dropped
out of college and refused any kind of treatment. I felt as though I could keep things under
control.
This was, of
course, a mistake. I alienated those
around me and destroyed many relationships.
It was not until 2012 that I scared myself into getting the help I
needed. I again attempted to overdose on
medication, winding up in the hospital again.
This time I didn’t fight it.
Things had changed quite a bit in the nearly ten years between
visits. Realistically I should have been
hospitalized many times over. I was put
on medication and sent to therapy. I
also discovered psychosocial rehabilitation, a wonderful program that people
should look into if it is available in their area. It was around this time I was finally
diagnosed with social anxiety disorder.
Then, as stated
in my previous entry, things got out of hand and I landed back in the hospital
in early 2013. Since then I have
relocated to a new country (Canada),
I have been learning how to navigate a completely different mental health system. It has been a challenge to be sure. I have been seeing my new therapist for about
six months and have been on stable medications for the past year. Things have gotten to a much more stable
place.
I joined the Blog
for Mental Health last year, and did not contribute as much as I wanted
to. This year I will make it a point to
contribute much more than last and look forward to reading and interacting with
other bloggers. I want to make it a
point to erase as much stigma about mental health issues as possible. I hope to educate others on my experiences,
and on what mental illness really is. It
is for that reason that I am renewing my pledge to the Blog for Mental Health.
--JJM
