Yet another hiatus, hopefully my last.

There seems to be a pattern with my writing, where I write for a month or two and then stop.  I must analyze this and figure out why I fall into this pattern.  My wife seems to think that I only write when I am going into a manic state.  Based on the two years I actually wrote it seems that I then “get manic” in the early spring.  This all leads to the notion of self-awareness.  I am not the most self-aware when it comes to my emotional state.

So, how do I become more aware of my mental state?  My wife bought me a book on mindfulness for the holidays last year, which I read, but it was more on mindfulness meditation.  That is great and all, but I do not know how that would translate into becoming aware of my emotional state when it changes so frequently.

Enough of the negativity with that, what changes have I made to help prevent my mood swings from becoming too frequent or extreme?

Whereas I had always awoke at the same time regardless of when I had gone to bed, I have again changed my sleeping patterns.  I have two times that my alarm is set for, an earlier alarm for the weekday, and a later alarm for the weekend.  But, what I have done differently is decided that I will go to bed at such a time that I always get eight or fewer hours of sleep.  This coupled with a much more strict control over caffeine intake has led to far fewer manic episodes over the past two and a half years.

I have also began using a bullet journal.  What is a bullet journal you ask?  It is a journal with a set of bullet points that correspond to things that I need to keep track of, such as chores, hours of sleep, naps, energy levels, mood levels, and making sure I shower, eat, and other such day to day activities I sometimes struggle with.

What has helped with the depressive side of things is being out of the house on a nearly full time basis during the day, giving me something to occupy my time so that I don’t have the ability to ruminate over things as easily as I used to.

That is not to say that medication hasn’t played a huge role in my continued stability--it has.  I have been careful to keep track of the days I miss my medication and how that impacts my mood.  All in all, these things have all led me to be very stable with only minor fluctuations that are to be expected, and almost always they have some sort of event that triggered a, usually depressive, episode lasting usually just a day.

These things have led me to believe that I can, and will, be better at maintaining the blog.

I am not going to make any kind of false promise that I will update as regularly as I should, but will only do my best to honestly report what is happening with me, my mental health issues, and the so called “good fight.”

But, why would I want to continue writing when I am so notoriously bad at keeping up with it?  Before I would look at my numbers and get discouraged that they weren’t higher.  This was utter nonsense as, firstly, such things shouldn’t matter.  Secondly it takes time, time that I have, time that I want to put in, but had an inflated sense of purpose due to hypo-mania.  I strongly believe that by starting writing with no clear goal, as well as during a time that I am generally unmotivated to do things could very well lead to building writing into a habit rather than an exciting new venture.

Also, I was in contact from some people from the psycho-social rehabilitation centre I was a client of several years ago, and it turns out that they have used some of my postings as a point of education.  This fills me with a sense of actual purpose, as now I know people read, enjoy, and benefit from my ramblings.

So, now I turn to you, readers, what would you like for me to talk about?  What should I do to help keep me focused on the long term goal instead of such short term goals that burn me out?
--JJM

A message of hope.

     I bring, today, words of encouragement and hope.  For the overwhelming majority of people with a mental health condition there is hope of recovery.  With proper medication, functioning in society is within the grasp of most.  This can be a long and frustrating process.  I remember not having any kind of insurance and my initial medication being cost prohibitive so they put me on another drug.  This particular medication technically worked.  I certainly wasn’t symptomatic; however I also wasn’t much of anything else.

    I found another medication which worked for me.  It was, again, out of my price range.  I was lucky enough to find out about a medical group that helped people get particular medications for free.  Unfortunately, when I moved to Canada this program was no longer available and I was forced to pay out of pocket.  The medication was significantly less expensive, but still $300 per month.  Then, I was given the opportunity to get supplemental insurance.  Though things seemed bleak for a long time, and I thought I was going to be stuck taking the medication that left me a mere shell of who I truly was, I kept my spirits up and tried to do my best to work towards taking the steps needed for my continued mental health.

     Having hope is very important to everyone, and it can be especially hard for those with a mental health condition.  Remember that the dark clouds in our life will not stay forever.  It may certainly seem that way, as though the sun will never again shine.  Just remember that no matter how low you get it will only go to make the good parts of our life, when we are able to fully experience them again, seem that much brighter.  I know that it seems as though no one understands; know that you are not alone in your suffering.  A large portion of society experiences, at one time or another, clinical depression.

     It may be clichéd, but flowers cannot bloom without the rain.  Getting the proper treatment, the right therapist or team, and/or medications can help significantly.  Knowing that your first, or even thirty-first, therapist may not be right for you and it is always your option to find a new one, one more suited to your needs, may be necessary.  But have hope, there is one out there for you, there is the right medication for you, maybe no medication at all, but the right treatment for you exists.

     Know that it is work, and it isn’t easy, but you cannot take a passive role in your treatment process.  I know from experience what it can be like to be so anxious in a given situation with a doctor who does not seem to have the time to spend with you that you deserve.  It took months upon months of improper treatment for me to work up the courage to state exactly what I needed.

     Don’t give up hope.  You deserve to be happy and healthy, both mentally and physically.  You deserve to be loved by yourself and those close to you.  Although I do not know you, know that I hope you, or those who need help, get all the help they need.

--JJM