A darker time than usual.

I don't want to alarm anyone, but I'm struggling right now and I don't know why.  I post a lot of more positive things usually, however that does not mean my life is all sunshine and rainbows.  As a matter of fact, most days it is a numbing grey sensation.  Right now seems a bit darker than usual though.  I can't quite put my finger on it.  The sensation for harming myself is high, and with each passing day it gets higher.  Don't panic, I've already told people and have plans in place to ensure my safety.  I'd like to take this time to talk about these urges though.

These urges have come with an increase in nightmares and closed eye hallucinations.  What do I see when I close my eyes?  Random patterns of light at first, then flashes of images that I can't control, usually disturbing in nature.  This leads to me not getting restful sleep, which in turn leads to depression.

Currently however I am experiencing a mixed state.  Which is when I am experiencing both a high and a low all at the same time.  Which is confusing to imagine, I know, but I assure you that such a thing exists.  This makes it hard to identify what is going on with me because on the one hand I may have a lack of interest in things that I normally would, conversely I have more ambition for things that I haven't done in a while.  I also am aware that this is the time when I am most prone to actually committing suicide.  All my attempts in the past have been during mixed episodes.

I'm not sure why I'm feeling this way, or even if anything can fix it.  Maybe it is time to see about getting my medications changed.  I've thought about getting another evaluation done, because I'm thinking there's more at work that just bipolar and social anxiety disorder.  New country, new rules though, so I'm not even sure how to go about getting that done.

Or even if they will, given how long I have had this diagnosis.  Not being believed is something that bothers me.  Especially after an event that occurred about four years ago during a hospitalization.  The doctor asked me where my scars were.  If I cut, I would surely have scars.

This upset me greatly, and makes me hesitant to share my experiences honestly for fear of being judged like that again.

At any rate, I have been given the task to figure out what is wrong.  What if nothing triggered the episode and I am just chemically deprived?  I suppose that would be what is wrong.  I suppose trying to figure out how to get to a doctor is a good first step.

What do you do to help in times of darkness?  I'm looking for any suggestions you may have.  Thanks for taking the time to read.

--JJM